Mr Moon - a blog about life, football and West Ham United

Book of the Week

2011-10-04T10:34:00.000+01:00

I was delighted to find that 'Mr Moon' has been named book of the week in the Independent on Sunday. It's in the sports section page 26. You can read the review here:

Signed Copies £9.99

2011-09-23T18:08:00.001+01:00

You can buy signed copies of thebook direct from me at £3 below the shop price. The cost is £9.99 plus £3 post and packing. That's for delivery to the United Kingdom. (If you live abroad it's obviously a bit more, so let me know where you live and I'll quote you a price. You can contact me via the contact form at the top of the website.) Please let me know what you'd like me to write in the book and I'll send you a signed copy. For example: To Alan best wishes Jem or To Eileen Come on You Irons! best wishes Jeremy Nicholas

KUMB Interview

2011-09-23T18:05:00.003+01:00

I was interviewed by Graeme Howlett of KUMB (Knees Up Mother Brown) website.

You can read it here

Kindle

2011-09-23T18:04:00.002+01:00

Some great news just in! The ebook of ' Mr Moon' is now available to download. I've lost count of the number of people who've asked me when it was going to be available, so I know it's going to be a big seller. If you know any football fans abroad, West Ham fans or not, please pass them the details as I know it' s difficult to get copies of the book abroad.
The list price is £9.99 but if you click on my picture link below you can get it for £7.99 (Pass it on!) Jeremy Nicholas - Author - Mr Moon Has Left The Stadium.
(If you're not sure if you're going to like the book, there's the option to download the beginning of the book for free as a taster - it's the first four chapters, then you can decide.)

Great Scott

2011-08-28T17:25:00.005+01:00

So Scott Parker is being strongly linked with Spurs. I wish him all the best wherever he goes, but I really don't think we should be dealing with Tottenham.

They are our biggest rivals so it's always a wrench when we sell them a player, but at the moment it's even more galling. The way they have acted over the Olympic stadium is a disgrace, hiring private investigators to look into our affairs is not the way you treat your neighbours.

While I understand that we have to get some money into the club, the thought of taking it from Spurs is too much.

It's going to be bad enough seeing Scott wearing a shirt with a cock and ball on it for the first time, but I'll get used to that. And I'll cheer for him when he plays in a Spurs shirt in European games, because I always cheer for English teams.

I wouldn't want Scott to miss out on an England place just because we've been relegated, but I'd rather he did it with another club like Arsenal, Villa or QPR. Unlike many West Ham fans I don't hate Spurs, but I think at this time it's wrong to deal with them.

However whatever shirt he's wearing when he returns to play against West Ham in the Premier League next season I will give him a special welcome on the PA. A three times Hammer of the Year will be accorded a standing ovation whatever badge he has on his chest.

Jeremy Nicholas - Author of Mr Moon Has Left The Stadium
Free chapters and signed copies available at
www.mrmoonhasleftthestadium.com

Award and signings

2011-08-10T22:01:00.000+01:00

I'm delighted that my book is being entered for the William Hill Sports Book of the Year Award.

I will doing a signing at the Newham Bookshop on Barking Road on Sunday 21st August before the Leeds match. It will be 11-12. I'll have to be away just after 12 as I need to get the team sheets at 12.15 in the tunnel.

I'll also be doing a signing at Waterstones at Lakeside on November 19th along with Iain Dale who'll be signing When Football Was Football, his new history of West Ham United.

Jeremy Nicholas, London UK

For f***'s sake stop swearing

2011-08-06T08:03:00.000+01:00

At some point in the last couple of years it has apparently become OK to swear onstage at business events. What the flip is going on? As a professional speaker I’ve spent the last twenty years being given the usual pre-match pep talk by event organisers on not using profanities, but now it seems swearing is almost compulsory.

As a broadcaster I made a conscious decision in university radio days not to swear in real life to avoid the bother of filtering out bad words when on-air. I only swear at football matches when West Ham are losing, so that’s actually been quite a bit in the last year.

However as a compere at business events I now seem to spend my days linking between foul mouthed speakers. A few ‘b’ words in the morning session often lead to the ‘f’ word in the afternoon, and in a few occasions recently the ‘c’ word has come into play. There’s a domino effect like at a wedding when one guest takes off their jacket at dinner and everyone follows suit. What is going on? Has there been a meeting that I missed where swear words were reclassified as appropriate at conferences?

I was at a book launch the other day and the author gave a very inspiring talk about she’d risen to the top in her profession. It was a good talk with a good back story, but she spoilt it by swearing. I’m afraid I’m going to have to repeat some of it, so if you don’t want to know the score, look away now.

To show she’d had to work hard to reach such a high level in the business world, she said ‘shit’ a few times. She didn’t ‘give a shit’ about something and she ‘didn’t know shit’ about something else. It’s a technique pioneered by the likes of Lord Sugar who worries that his posh accent might cause us to forget his humble roots. On the last series of the Apprentice when a contestant struggled with a fast food task, Lord Sugar wondered if he was ‘brains or bollocks’.

The shits received a few laughs. Sorry, I’m talking about the ones in the author’s speech, I’ve stopped talking about the Apprentice candidates now. So she popped in a few more shits, then some buggers and finally out came the ‘f’ word.

Now I’m perfectly happy with the ‘f’ word in dramas, in the pub, at the football and in real life, but not at a business event. It’s an incredibly versatile word that can be used as a verb or a noun, and can signify intense pleasure and displeasure. But at an event it only has two functions as far as I can see. It can emphasise the importance of something being said, or it can indicate that a punchline has been reached.

When the ‘f’ word is used for emphasis it is like writing texts in block capitals. It might work once, but after a while it is a little wearing on the audience. When it’s used to indicate a joke, it can certainly help with the laugh. It’s a way of telling the audience that this is the funny bit. But what happens the next time, when you don’t swear? Will they still spot it’s a joke? Are you going to have to do it every time?
Some people in the room will no doubt like it when you swear. You instantly become the rebel leader and they’ll show their love by making some noise. But you won’t know how many don’t like it because they will quiet. It might only be ten percent of the people in the room who disapprove, but you will never win them back, because you’ve betrayed their trust. When you are onstage, there’s an expectation that you will have something to say. They can hear swearing down the pub, so why should they pay to listen to you?

At one huge event in London recently, a speaker who allegedly teaches presentation skills peppered his talk with four letter words. At first glance it appeared to go down well as the crowd whooped their approval. However afterwards little groups stood together discussing how inappropriate his behaviour was.

I think it’s time for business speakers to shut the f*** up. It’s not big and it’s not clever. It alienates parts of the audience. Keep it clean and you’ll still be talking to a hundred percent of the room. I swear by it.

Jeremy Nicholas - London UK

Four Clipboards

2011-08-04T14:01:00.001+01:00

There was much hilarity with the matchday team at West Ham on Saturday with the news that I will be operating a four clipboard operation this season.

I think it makes sense and it's a bold move forward as we prepare for the excitement of a season in the Championship.

The best clipboard, my Muji aluminium one will be used for the team sheet. The large black clipboard is for the club messages about tickets, special offers and coming events. Then there's the two smaller A5 clipboards which are clear perspex. One is for the birthday announcements. And the other one will be for the scores at the other games.

I think it's going to be great system and I've attached velcro to the back of the boards, so they are easy to hand next to my seat in the dugout. However for some reason my colleagues seem to think I've gone a bit mad. I will however have the last laugh as the four clipboard system leads us back to our rightful place in the Premier League.

Come on You Irons

Jeremy Nicholas, London UK

Update on my book about being a stadium announcer

2011-08-03T16:54:00.000+01:00

The book has now gone to the printers. It will be in the shops on August 18th and a couple of weeks later it will be available as a Kindle download. It's about 90 thousand words which is around 320 pages of a Demy size large paperback.

You can see the front cover here

I'll be doing some book signings in August and September and I've set aside some time for media interviews. Please contact me if you'd like an interview with your paper/radio station/TV show/ blog etc

best wishes

Jem

email media requests to jem@jeremynicholas.co.uk

Here's some blurb about the book to give you an idea of what it's about:

This book will make you laugh and cry. It’s the hilarious tale of one man’s obsession with West Ham United football club. He became the stadium announcer after a dream about Rio Ferdinand, back in the days when Pluto was a planet. He’s been taking the mike ever since.

Jeremy Nicholas is an award winning TV and radio broadcaster, but at weekends he lets his hair down at the Boleyn Ground. Or he would do if hadn’t mostly fallen out.

Part love story, part autobiography, part stadium announcer’s manual, Mr Moon Has Left The Stadium will appeal to all lovers of the beautiful game.

QUOTES

‘I burst into tears three times while reading this book. Once on a crowded train!’ – Iain Dale – West Ham Till I Die.

‘As West Ham announcer Jeremy has had to deliver more bad news than Kate Adie.’ – Phil Whelans – comedian

‘The only professional speaker I know who does twenty stadium gigs a year.’ – Alan Stevens, President, Global Speakers Federation 2011

Hairy Moment

2011-07-15T09:26:00.005+01:00

Here's positive proof that I used to have hair.

This is me in my first season as West Ham announcer, back in 1998. I was just watching a DVD of the 98/99 season when I popped up. it was quite alarming to see myself from thirteen years ago.

But the back view confirms the hair was on its way out already.

(How awful is that fleece with the tartan trim? It was official club merchandise!)

Jeremy Nicholas London UK

Book to see me speak at the Marketing Masters event with Kimberly Davis from The Apprentice

2011-07-12T10:06:00.002+01:00

I will be a guest speaker at the Marketing Masters series of talks, hosted by The Apprentice's Kimberly Davis
on Thursday July 28th 2011. The session runs from 9-5 and I'm doing a slot in the afternoon.

It's at Providian House, 16-18 Monument Street, London EC3R 8AJ

And you can book tickets by clicking here

Advertising and PR Secrets

How do you get the press and media to write about you?
How do you create and advert that gets people to pick up the phone and call?
How do you write a press release?
Should you invest your money in advertising or PR?
How do you measure your results?

Kimberly Davis has over 20 years experience as a journalist, author, and Marketing Director. During this time, she has reviewed thousands of press releases and published hundreds of articles. As a Marketing Director for some of the largest TV and Radio stations in the US, she has overseen dozens of highly successful advertising and PR campaigns. She's worked extensively on both sides of the table and knows exactly what it takes to get your product noticed and the phones ringing with sales leads. Now she is sharing that knowledge with you.

Join Kimberly on July 28th for the next instalment of The Marketing Masters Series: Advertising and PR, and you'll learn:

The difference between PR and Advertising and which is better for your business
10 Common PR and Advertising mistakes to avoid
The secrets to getting the press and media to write about you
How can you create a successful campaign that produces a return on investment?
How can you measure your advertising and PR results?
How can you motivate people to buy your product?
How to write a press release
How to create an effective advertisement
and so much more!

Kimberly will also be joined by Jeremy Nicholas who is a well established BBC TV and Radio Presenter, author, and official stadium announcer for West Ham United.

And if that wasn't enough, there will also be a networking event where you can meet other businesses who can help you grow, and apply and test your new ideas.

Programmes like this normally cost £500, but you can attend the Marketing Masters Series for just £99.

This is literally an event you can not afford to miss!

If you would like individual support and feedback on your PR and Advertising, you can also sign up for Kimberly's mentoring workshop on August 11th, where she will spend one-to-one time with you to help you develop your ideas to get you to the next level. This group is limited to just 10 places, so sign up now!

Sleep Talking

2011-07-11T10:16:00.002+01:00

This kid walked onto stage at the Queen Elizabeth Hall in central London on Friday night and blew the sell- out audience away. He didn’t dance, he didn’t sing, he just spoke.

It wasn’t a Strictly Britain’s Got X-Factor type contest, but an old style speaking competition. And boy could this boy talk. Najae Hackett, from Southwark spoke about sleep. He was hilarious. Like many teenage boys, he spends a lot of time in bed, but claims that it’s all for the good of the world. If more people had a good night’s sleep there would be less car crashes in the morning.

The nine hundred spectators at the South Bank venue lapped it up. They’d come to see the Grand Final of the Jack Petchey Speak Out Challenge, the largest youth speaking competition in the world. I was honoured to be one of the judges.

A few years back someone had approached me at a Professional Speakers Association event and asked me if I would be a judge at a regional final in Hounslow. I went along with little expectations of enjoying the night, but with the grand notion of giving something back at grassroots level to the speaking world. Pretentious? Moi?

I loved it. The kids spoke about subjects as diverse as being an orphan to coping with being short. I was hooked. After that I judged each year in different competitions at Teddington, Tower Hamlets and Newham. A few topics crop up every year. Bullying is always popular, along with knife crime and body image. A lot of youngsters like to start their talks by referring to one of their heroes. Martin Luther King and Rosa Parks often get a mention, which is fine by me, but if I hear another speech that starts, ‘I have a dream’ I will scream. It’s great to quote famous people, but it’s far better to tell your own story.

Having served my time in the regional heats, I was this year delighted to have been asked to judge a Grand Final for the first time. I joined the likes of columnist Garry Bushell, Janet Ellis off Blue Peter and actress Tracy Brabin at the judge’s briefing. Our chairman was John Bercow. If anyone knows how to be a Speaker, it is surely him.

To win a competition like this you need great content, a good structure and sparkling delivery. Ssuuna Golooba-Mutebi from Harrow demonstrated all three with a talk about how ‘bootylicious language’ was becoming too prevalent amongst youngsters and it was destroying English. Gradually during his three minute talk he introduced more of this slang, until at the end it killed him and he fell to his knees. No speaker likes to die on stage, but this ending brought a huge cheer from the crowd. I applauded wildly, to the surprise of fellow judge Virginia Ironside sitting next to me. Maybe it’s not the done thing, but this was my first Grand Final and I was enjoying it.

Megan Cass from Sutton had to wait several moments for the screeching from her schoolmates to stop before she could even start her talk. She spoke with great passion and a lot of humour about the huge embarrassment of being the first girl in her class to go through puberty. When she wore her first bra, she tried to claim it was a short vest, but no-one believed her.

There were fifteen speakers in all. Not one of them faltered; they were all calm, clear and frankly brilliant. Speaking as someone who still gets nervous every time I speak, despite making a career out of it, I was in awe of these confident youngsters.

Mahatir Pasha from Redbridge started his talk by singing God Save the Queen and ended it with the Bangladeshi national anthem. I can confirm he won’t make it as a singer, but he’s got a lot of bottle.

Sam Baxter from Kingston’s social analysis of people according to what burger they order at McDonald’s won’t win any academic prizes, but it was hugely entertaining. Not haute cuisine, but a very Happy Meal.

I was diligently filling in my scorecard on content, structure and delivery for each speaker. When Najae spoke I realised the scorecard was redundant. In four years of being a judge, I’d never seen anyone as good. He had the audience in the palm of his hand as he swaggered about the stage, proclaiming the positive benefits of sleep. Everything good in the world came about because of it, he claimed. How could basketball star Michael Jordan have grown so tall if he hadn’t rested up a lot? That’s what he was doing in bed all that time, he was growing!
Nelson Mandela spent years in prison, a lot of it in bed. He became President of his country, because he spent a long time sleeping.
And then came the killer line. For once I was happy to hear about Martin Luther King, a hero to so many young black youngsters, but Najae put a new spin on it. After all King couldn’t have said ‘I have a dream’ if he hadn’t had been sleeping. Two seats away from me, another judge Mark Easton from the BBC guffawed loudly. Gemma Cairney from Radio 1 Extra squealed in delight.

When Najae was announced as the winner, I stood up cheering loudly, thinking everybody would be on their feet. Only one other judge was, Malachi Talabi, who is the current Toastmasters speaking champion. He knew how important it is to encourage talent like this.

I hope I get asked back, despite my lack of decorum. The Speak Out Challenge is a wonderful scheme to teach youngsters how to be better communicators. It currently runs training workshops in six hundred schools across London and Essex, thanks to the philanthropy of its founder Jack Petchey.

After all that I’m off for a lie down. You can never get enough sleep you know.

Jeremy Nicholas London UK

My new book

2011-07-09T15:49:00.000+01:00

Mr Moon Has Left The Stadium - Confessions of a Matchday Announcer is published on 18th August 2011 by Biteback Books. It's taken nearly a year to write and is ninety thousand words long.

I'm currently doing the last rewrites on the manuscript before it goes to the publishers in a week's time. I handed it in at the end of June, which felt like finishing a marathon. Now doing the rewrites, it feels like I've collected my medal, I'm halfway to the shower and they say can you run another five miles.

Still it will be worth it. The book is about my life as the stadium announcer at West Ham and will appeal to anyone who loves the beautiful game.

You’ll discover:
*The match where I upset my team, the away team, the supporters and the manager.
*Which referee was never given chocolate biscuits by Betty the tea lady.
*Why Herbie the Hammer and Bubbles the Bear were thrown off the pitch in Cardiff.
*Why Mr Moon never stays for a whole match.
*Why my best day at the Boleyn Ground was not a football match.
*Why fans booed one of my very first announcements.
*How to do the perfect minute’s silence.
*Why I hate music being played after goals are scored.
*Which manager never made me a cup of tea.
And lots of important behind the scenes information like that.

It's already to available for pre-order on Amazon, in fact it's been the number one football book on Amazon for the past couple of days, knocking Paul Merson's book off the top spot.

If you fancy pre-ordering it, they've got it at virtually half-price, but I'm sure it will go up when it's published in mid August.

Jeremy Nicholas London, UK

The Link is here

The day we retired the number six shirt at West Ham

2011-07-01T09:16:00.001+01:00

At the pre-seaon friendly against Villareal in 2008 we retired the number six shirt at West Ham, in honour of our greatest ever player Bobby Moore.

I was just writing the chapter about Bobby for my book and came across this on YouTube. It brings back powerful memories of the day and the great work Stephanie does for the Bobby Moore Fund.

Jeremy Nicholas - stadium announcer, West Ham United, London UK

(thanks to whoever recorded it and posted it, even if they're not so good at spelling Bobby's surname!)

James Corden on Football Focus forgetting my name (Doh!)

2011-06-30T16:21:00.004+01:00

Here's a clip I came across with James Corden on Football Focus showing Dan Walker around the Boleyn Ground. It's a great piece, but slightly disappointing for me, he gives me a great build up as a top announcer, but then forgets my name. It's from 4 minutes onwards.

I had a chat with him about it afterwards and he was mortified. Top bloke though.

Jeremy Nicholas - London UK

Big Sam

2011-06-01T15:48:00.001+01:00

I'm looking forward to working under the seventh West Ham manager of my career, eighth if you count Sir Trevor.

Sam Allardyce has today been appointed the club's fourteenth manager in our long history. I wish him all the best.

His mission is to get us back to our rightful place in the top division of football. I'm sure he can do that. Sam has an excellent record on getting results.

There's a lot of talk about his style of football, but let's give the fellow a chance. Much as we love to think there's a West Ham way of playing the game, we haven't played decent football for ages.

We need to get the winning mentality back. But I also love to watch passing football, so I'm encouraged by Sam Allardyce's words today.

"I know there will be West Ham fans asking whether I'm going to abandon the style of play that's been the club's heritage over the years. All I'll say is it will be a tale of home and away.

"At Upton Park we'll attempt to play the kind of passing game the fans want. We will aim to continue in the same way on our travels but we'll also be tough, hard to beat and utterly resilient."

That's good enough for me. We have to get out of the Championship at the first time of asking, because it gets harder the longer you are down there, and there's a danger of slipping further. Just ask clubs like Leeds, Sheffield Wednesday and Nottingham Forest.

Sam is the man to do that. He has my full support, I hope he will have yours.
Let's get behind the the new gaffer. Last time we were in the Championship it was fun. The glory hunters won't be there. The ground will be packed with true fans and we'll start winning again.

Come on you Irons!

Jeremy Nicholas,
Stadium Announcer, West Ham United since 1998

Need an after dinner speaker? Contact me at JeremyNicholas.co.uk

Oldest Boxing Champion

2011-05-28T10:23:00.000+01:00

Here's a piece I did with veteran boxer Steve Ward who reckons he's the oldest champion boxer in the world.

The 54-year-old successfully defended his European Boxing Federation Midlands Cruiserweight title in Chesterfield back in March. When I spoke to him he was waiting ratification from the Guinness Book of World Records. In fact I sent him a copy of my film in support of his claim.

Bobby Moore Fund

2011-05-25T22:27:00.003+01:00

Today i worked as a commentator and stadium announcer at the Champions League Festival in Hyde Park. I say worked, it was for the Bobby Moore Fund, a charity dear to my heart. Here's me with BMF founder Stephanie Moore, Bobby's widow and a truly splendid woman.

I commentated on a match between the Parliamentary Football Club and TalkSport. The MPs won it 11-7. They were surprisingly good, especially as Ed Balls and Angus MacNeil pulled out on the day. Something to do with the visit of Barack Obama, which is quite a good excuse I suppose.

Here's the TalkSport team. I didn't get a shot of the MPs as they were a little late arriving.

Andy Jacobs had a fine game in goal for TalkSport, keeping the ball out with every part of his body apart from his hands.

Gregg McClymont MP was the man of the match after a first half hat trick. He's the MP for Cumbernauld, Kilsyth and Kirkintilloch East. He's also the House of Commons pool champion!

The MPs had two number twelves in their line up, but as Bill Esterton MP is a lot taller than Dominic Berner it didn't lead to any confusion.

Paul Hawksbee, Ian 'Moose' Abrahams and Sam Matterface all impressed for TalkSport. A last ditch attempt to rescue the game by throwing on ringer Graeme Le Saux, nearly worked, but the MPs were worthy winners.

I was happy to receive a medal from Stephanie Moore at the end. The Bobby Moore Fund does brilliant work to raise funds for research into bowel cancer, which took Bobby in 1993.

The queue to have your picture taken with the Champions League Trophy. I didn't bother.

Two West Ham legends, along with Moose from TalkSport ;-)

Champions League Festival

2011-05-25T12:04:00.000+01:00

Today I'm appearing for the Bobby Moore Fund in Hyde Park at the Champions League Festival.

I'll be announcing a charity game at 6.30 - 7.30pm

Come and say hi if you are there.

Jem

End of Season Gala Dinner

2011-05-17T16:37:00.002+01:00

I thought presenting at the end of season gala dinner, the day after we were relegated would be a tough gig. Actually it was a great night out and I met lots of lovely people. I’ve been feeling so down since West Ham lost at Wigan, that the last thing I wanted was a night out to be honest. But I’d promised I’d do the auctioneering in aid of the Academy.

You’ll have read in the papers that there was a bit of trouble. But let me tell you it was nowhere near as bad as it’s being made out. One chap confronted a player. He was swiftly ejected by West Ham’s security team.

Ben Shephard was an excellent host of the awards. He made everyone laugh when he tried to get the event back on track after the interruption by saying please sit back in your chairs, don’t throw them. Scott Parker got the loudest cheer of the night as he was named Hammer of the Year. David Gold gave a rousing speech on how we’ll soon be back in the top flight.The Boys of 86 entertained as always with stories of better days.

My wife had her picture taken with Thomas Hitzlsperger and Karren Brady and she won a signed photo of Billy Bonds in the raffle.
As she’s only been in the UK since 2002 she didn’t really know who Billy was, but there was never any doubt that I was having the picture hanging in my office anyway.

When I looked around that room at the 780 guests I thought not many clubs could put on an event as big as this. It was a special night and we must not let one incident spoil it.

Next week I’m working at the Champions League Festival in Hyde Park, doing the announcing for the Bobby Moore Fund.

And I’m the awards show host at BESMA 2011 which is the British Excellence in Sales and Marketing Awards run by the Institute of Sales and Marketing Management.

But nothing will match a night with seven hundred odd fellow sufferers of West Ham United. We went down together and we’ll come back up together.

You can see my pictures of the event here

Cheque it Out

2011-05-10T13:10:00.002+01:00

I like collecting cheques. Who doesn't?

Ken Day likes them a lot, especially the old ones with the beautiful printed designs.

I went round his house to take a look. I couldn't believe my luck when he was stood on the doorstep wearing a bowler hat with an umbrella and briefcase. There was no doubt he's a retired banker.

Postcards from the Edge

2011-05-09T10:51:00.000+01:00

Did you know that postcards were very popular on the continent for many years before they were allowed in the UK? Eventually the Post Office allowed them, but you were only allowed to write on the front, with only the address allowed on the back. It meant you had very little room to write your message.

At the start of the twentieth century a law was passed allowing the back to be split into two, with half for your message and half for the address. It meant the front page pictures could be much ornate and led to a new craze to collect them.

Here's my TV feature on Graham Hopcroft, who collects postcards.

His main areas of interest are glamour and Beeston. Two very different subjects!

Fat Lady

2011-05-09T10:26:00.000+01:00

Well the show's not over till the fat lady sings, but with two games left, I think she's well into her warm up.

Once again, the West Ham fans were magnficent at the weekend. Just like the previous match against Villa the noise at kick off was awesome.

Sadly we didn't get the result. After Thomas Hitzlsperger's cracking equaliser we threw everything at them, but we'd left it far too late. Robbie Keane and Carlton Cole both had chances, but it was not to be. Blackburn deserved their point.

With Wolves winning the chances of avoiding relegation are slim and now out of our hands.

I can only pray that we survive. Everyone thinks we're gonners and we probably are, but I've followed West Ham all my life, so I know funny things can happen.

Who'd have thought we'd have stayed up on the last day of the Tevez season.

With support like ours, we deserve to be in the Premier League.

Come on You Irons.

Bubbles

2011-05-08T10:12:00.002+01:00

I've submitted this as my choice for the front cover of my book.

Mr Moon Has Left the Stadium - a humorous account of my life as the West Ham United announcer is published on August 1st 2011. It's already on Amazon here.

Feeling Blue

2011-05-05T18:01:00.000+01:00

Here's my feature on the world's largest collection of Smurfs. Stephen Parkes is in the latest edition of the Guinness Book of Records with his massive number of little blue fellows.

If you enjoyed that, checkout some of my other TV reports here

Mr Moon Book

2011-04-27T09:56:00.003+01:00

Google can be a scary thing. I just googled my book title and found it on Amazon already. I'm still writing it!

The book 'Mr Moon Has Left the Stadium' is a funny account of my life as the West Ham United FC announcer. It comes out on August 1st.

It has to be handed in to the publishers at the end of June. There's nothing that quite galvanises the writer into action more than seeing that people actually expect to be able to buy it on a set date.

You can see it on Amazon here. I promise you the cover won't look like that. It's a quickly mocked up version by the publishers.
It's also already on the WH Smith site and Waterstonesm. Even more scary it's on Amazon Japan.

Olympics

2011-04-26T16:39:00.002+01:00

Some exciting news - I've made it onto the shortlist to be a stadium announcer at the London 2012 Olympics.

I'm ridiculously excited about it. I've been the stadium announcer at West Ham United FC for the past thirteen years and have announced at Twickenham and the Millennium Stadium and at various England internationals, but I'm 'over the moon' to have made it past two selection processes to make that shortlist.

There's still further steps until they decide, but I'm getting hopeful now.
The Olympic Games is only going to be held in my home city once in my lifetime, so having the opportunity to announce those games is something I couldn't let slip.

I'd do it for free! But hopefully it will be paid. There are of course lots of different arenas, and while I'd love to make it to the main stadium, I just want to be part of it all, so if it's the beach volleyball on Horseguards Parade, then that's fine too.

Jem - London

Footballer of the Year

2011-04-22T10:56:00.001+01:00

What a great start to the day, with the news that Scott Parker has been named Footballer of the Year. It's voted for by the football writers. I'm so delighted for Scott. He's been a shining example to us all this season.

I was disappointed when Gareth Bale won the Players Player of the Year. I thought Scott was in with a shout, but those eye catching European performances won it for the Spurs man.

However the football writers are a cannier bunch than the players. They've given it to our Scott and I'm as happy as Larry. Did I ever tell you about my mate Larry? He's a huge West Ham fan too.

Right back to writing the book. Today I'm writing the chapter on England v Australia at the Boleyn when I got to announce the second half as the England announcer wanted to get off early! I was the man who announced Wayne Rooney coming on as a sub.

Jem - in the back garden on the laptop.

The Button Collector

2011-04-22T10:49:00.004+01:00

I'm back with a new series of Collectors for BBC East Midlands Today.

Last time I interviewed people with collections of valve radios, Roy Rogers memorabilia and badges.
This time round I've met a man who collects saucy postcards, a cheque collector and I've sat amongst the world's largest collection of Smurfs.

The feature below is with Jenny Swindells from the British Button Society, who collects, you've guessed it, buttons!
It's amazing how much you can learn about social history by looking at buttons. Jenny was a great guest. We had to cut so much good stuff out to fit it into 2 minutes 15 seconds of TV.

If you'd like to find out more about buttons you can visit the British Button Society website.

Jenny also travels the country giving talks on buttons. You can contact here via the speakers page.

And if you'd like me as a speaker, then check out my talks to the right at the top of this page. I don't do much about buttons though.
Enjoy the feature.

Weed wand

2011-04-21T18:07:00.000+01:00

My wife has just bought a weed wand. It's a gas operated flame thrower type device that zaps your weeds so you don't have to bend over.

She's just tried it out in the garden and seems to be doing a lot of bending over to enjoy looking at the devastation.

When she finished she left it leaning against the table leg and it's burnt it. I noticed this and picked it up and now I've burnt my hand.

I think God is getting his own back on us for killing those weeds.

And now I must get back to putting my hand under the cold tap.

Big Mac to Go

2011-04-13T12:56:00.002+01:00

So that’s it. Benni McCarthy has left West Ham.

After 14 appearances he’s left by mutual consent.

I think the club has done well to cut the wage bill.

If you can’t motivate yourself to lose weight to play in a World Cup in your own country, then you’re not the man we need for a relegation scrap. Once he didn’t make the 25 man squad, and nobody in the football league wanted him on loan, there was no point in keeping him.

I wish you well Benni, but what a waste.

After dinner speaker

2011-04-13T12:47:00.001+01:00

I'm not taking any more after dinner speaking gigs until the end of June, otherwise I'll never get the book finished.

Once it's safely handed in to the publishers I'll be back on the chicken dinner circuit.

If your firm, golf club, sports organisation needs a speaker, please consider me.

Details of my talks are on my speaking website with full details of my fees, subjects of talks and testimonials. Plus there's lots of videos so you can see I'm not too bad.

best wishes

Jem

www.JeremyNicholas.co.uk

PS I also run a referral scheme where anybody who finds me a gig gets 10 percent of the fee. So thinking caps on. Do you know anybody who needs a speaker?

Mad Dog and the Magpies

2011-04-11T17:22:00.000+01:00

So news has reached me that Martin 'Mad Dog' Allen has quit Barnet after just three games, to take charge at Notts County.

As you may know I'm a freelance TV reporter for BBC East Midlands Today. I've only just recovered from the shock of having to interview Paul Ince at Notts County. How my colleagues laughed when they sent me down there to talk to him, knowing I've never forgiven him for that shirt business. When Incey left I thought it would be an easy ride from now on. So imagine my amusement that the Mad Dog is taking charge at Meadow Lane.

West Ham fans will remember the extraordinary interview he gave me at half time at a recent match. I put up with his difficult answers until he suggested I was a Spurs fan. That was a step too far and I cut short the interview and went to highlights of the first half.

We decided that he wouldn't be invited back for a rematch, but now it seems our paths may cross again.

Bring it on Mad Dog, I've had my rabies jabs!

(By the way Martin has apologised for his behaviour and I think he's lovely really. I still don't much like Paul Ince though)

Minute's silence or applause

2011-04-11T10:26:00.004+01:00

I'm just writing the chapter in the book about the minute's silence from the announcer's point of view, and the evolution into the minute's applause.

I just watched the John Lyall tribute on YouTube from the Boro semi final at Villa Park. It all came flooding back. It was meant to be a minute's silence but we just weren't having it. What an emotional moment when we first started singing. I don't think the Boro fans or the TV audience knew what to think, but it's one of my proudest memories.

And any killjoys who think it was a bad thing to do, I've spoken with John's son about it and he says the family were very moved by it and fully supported the singing. It showed far better than a silence what we thought about the man and what he'd done for us.

Right better wipe away the tears, make a cup of tea and crack on. This book is not going to write itself.

If you have any tissues handy, check out the video here

Mr Moon Has Left the Stadium by Jeremy Nicholas will be published next season by Biteback.

Your help needed

2011-03-16T12:32:00.001Z

If you have any memories of announcements that I've made at West Ham over the years could you let me have them please.

I'm looking for ones that have made you smile, laugh or cry. Ones that you've hated, ones that I've got wrong, funny incidents at the ground where I was involved.

They'll be very helpful in my book Mr Moon has left the Stadium which comes out next season.

I'd also be interested to hear about your recollections of great atmospheres, top pre-match or half time entertainment, or the really bad ones.

Any memories of previous West Ham announcers would also be welcomed.

And any announcements that you've heard at other grounds on your travels, the good, the bad and the ugly.

You can use the comments form below, or email me via Jem@JeremyNicholas.co.uk

Thanks in anticipation

Jem

MC Hammer since 1998.

Mr Moon book

2011-03-16T12:25:00.000Z

As you might be aware I'm writing a book about my time as the West Ham announcer.
It will cover the years 1998-2009 from my debut in 1998 to my return in the second half of the 08/09 season.

It will be packed full of the Upson Downes of life at West Ham. It will be fun and hopefully funny. It's being written with the full permission of the club, so don't expect a 'kiss and tell'.

I'm now 23,000 words into my target of 90,000. It has to be with the publishers Biteback by the end of June. It will be published in August.

It's been a good spell of writing, as I've had a week away from the BBC. Tomorrow I'm back on the road with my reporter's hat on. I'm doing four more Collections pieces for BBC East Midlands Today.

In the next few days I'll be filming with a button collector, a man with a vast array of old cheques, a postcards collector and best of all a man with a lot of Smurfs!

I'll put them on my YouTube Channel for people outside the area.

Right back to those words, that book is not going to write itself.

Jem

Sad Day for Football

2011-03-14T15:18:00.002Z

I feel sad.

Not only because my team were knocked out of the FA Cup, but it felt like football was the loser.

Congratulations to Stoke for getting through to the semi-finals, but how much satisfaction can their supporters feel, when their team play like that.

Football is not a blood sport, but Stoke play a very aggressive version of the beautiful game. Fouling aside, both goals involved cynical moves that were not only against the laws of the game, but also against the spirit of the game. In the first goal, a blocker was employed to take out Matthew Upson allowing Robert Huth a clear header on goal. For the second goal, Robert Huth pulled the West Ham wall apart from behind, unseen by the referee.

In between Matthew Etherington dived Tom Daley style to win a penalty. It was a sickening thing for Matty to do to his old club, just a week after getting a terrific reception from the crowd at West Ham. I don't know how he can sleep at night. Fortunately Robert Green made a great save low to his left.

West Ham's goal has been condemned as handball by the papers, but they still consistently refer to Scott Parker as our skipper. In my view it wasn't conclusively handball from Frederic Piquionne. The first three replays seemed to suggest it was, but the fourth replay from front on, suggested it was his pec not his bicep. I suspect many of the hacks were heads down filing their copy by then.

Stoke are being lauded in the papers for reaching the semis. Good luck to them. They are one of the oldest clubs in the business and they've only ever won the league cup once. They deserve some success, but not like this.

The really disappointing angle to the whole sorry affair is knowing Stoke must practise those set piece moves. They must spend time on the training ground working out how they are going to con the ref. I wouldn't have much pride in achieving results like that.

The way they play is all about set pieces. I've no problem with that. The long throw is a great tactic. Rory Delap has a unique talent and it adds excitement to games. Danny Higginbotham's low struck free kick was a special bit of skill too, but manhandling our wall out of the way was just plain cheating.

The ref received a lot of criticism for his performance. Yes it wasn't the best, but he can't have eyes everywhere. If a team is going to employ those sort of tactics he can't spot them all, even the wrestling move that sent James Tomkins sprawling for a clear penalty.

There was no doubt that Stoke were better than West Ham on the day. We had our chances. Matthew Upson hit the bar and Robbie Keane was denied at the near post, but Robert Green kept us in the game for long periods with a superb display.

So forgive me if I feel a bit flat. I'm a West Ham fan, but I'm also a football fan. Football was very much the loser at the Britannia Stadium.

West Ham Ladies

2011-03-08T09:31:00.001Z

The Happy Hammers are heading for the quarter finals of the FA cup this weekend at Stoke, but West Ham ladies are also going well.

Here are the goals from their win over Colchester that takes them through to the fifth round. Look at the quality on the chip for the first goal from Nina.

Come on you Iron Maidens!

Big Day, Big Atmosphere needed

2011-03-04T17:05:00.003Z

I'm really looking forward to the West Ham game against Stoke.
We need to create a fantastic wall of sound and turn the Boleyn into a fortress.

At the moment we are scoring goals freely, so let's get behind the boys and make sure we keep banging them in. With a strike force like that we are surely in with a shout.

After the excitement of Martin Allen last week, we're hoping Mark Ward is going to be my pre-match guest. The Bubbles machines are going to be in place. I've had a rabies jab in case Mad Dog comes back to bite me on the bum!

Lloyd from West Ham TV is also cutting a specially extended goals edit to get you all going before kick off. Good work fella.

So get yourselves wrapped up in the claret and blue. Get yourselves down to Upton Park and let's cheer our team away from the bottom of the table. You can pay on the door if you haven't got your ticket already.

We've had a lot of Upson Downes this season (do you see what I did there) so let's not take any chances. Let's make more noise than normal and back the boys to the hilt to earnthe win that will put a smile on the face of David Gold to help him back to fitness.

Scott Parker has been inspirational, he fully deserves his award as Barclays Premier League Player of the Month for February announced today.

Think Jonjo, think Mad Dog, think half time talk from Super Scott, think positive, think Obinna takes it all, think Carlton Cole always believe in your soul you're indestructible, think claret and blue, and let's win this one!

Come on you Irons!!!!!!!!!

Jeremy Nicholas - stadium announcer at the Boleyn Ground since 1998.

The One Eyed Darts Player

2011-03-03T10:38:00.000Z

Here's a feature I did with darts player Jamie 'Jabba' Caven.

As a child he was stung by a bee and lost the sight in one eye. He still went onto become world youth darts champion.

As an adult he's overcome pancreatic cancer which has left him diabetic.

Amazingly he's risen against all those odds to become number eighteen in the world rankings. I went to his Derby home to meet the man they call Jabba.

Mad Dog

2011-03-01T12:46:00.004Z

Thanks for everyone who commented on my interview with Martin Allen on Sunday.

I thought he was hugely entertaining. I'm glad you all enjoyed it.

Martin has always been a one-off. I loved his passion as a player, and it's great to see he hasn't lost it.

He's now an after dinner speaker. I've never seen him in action, but having hugely enjoyed his appearance on a recent Stop Hammertime podcast, I'm sure he's brilliant. You can book him through Soccer Speaker. I'm sure I'll bump into Martin when I'm compering a sports dinner.

I wasn't expected to be mauled by a mad dog at half time, but I've had my rabies jab and lived to tell the tale.

The Allen Family are a London institution. Les and Dennis for one generation and their sons and nephews, Paul, Clive, Martin and Bradley for another. I was taught to play football by Les Allen as a kid, once a week at Redbridge Sports Centre. I remember vividly my Dad throwing his slipper at the TV when young Paul Allen was denied a cup final goal when cynically fouled by Arsenal's Big Willie.

I had a great time at half time, the only bit that rankled with me was the suggestion that I might be a Spurs fan! I'm no legal expert, but I've a feeling that might be libellous. (smiley face)

Martin made the allegation in response to an inquiry about why he was called Mad Dog. The suggestion being that a true West Ham fan would know the answer. As a broadcast journalist I've spent the past 25 years asking questions that I know the answer to. The idea is to generate a quote or anecdote from the interviewee. Occasionally you get a guest who points out that you are asking a stupid question. Over the years Kenny Daglish, Gordon Strachan and a wide assortment of smarty pants have made me look like an idiot, but I always got my clip. I don't mind that, my mission is to get the best out of a guest and if I look a fool, so be it.

But for the record, I've supported West Ham since I was six years old. While the Allens have served West Ham, Chelsea, Tottenham, Watford, Charlton, Millwall and QPR with distinction over the years. I have only ever announced for West Ham, despite having been offered work at a rival London club. I will only ever announce for West Ham or England. Thirteen years as announcer at the Boleyn Ground so far, but I imagine Martin was working most of that time for Barnet, Brentford, MK Dons, Leicester and Cheltenham.

I've never met Martin Allen before, but I hope to again. He's a character and football needs characters.

A lot of people have asked if I have a copy of the interview. I don't. The club filmed it for the big screens, so it may turn up on West Ham TV at some point, but I doubt it. We weren't miked for recording sound, so it would be audio taken from the speakers high up in the stand which would probably be unlistenable.

For me the big story of the day, aside from the drubbing of Liverpool, was brave little Jonjo, the 9 year old who walked from Wembley to West Ham in memory of his nan and Bobby Moore, who both died of bowel cancer. Jonjo was aiming for ten thousand pounds. He's doubled that already. You can support his effort here

You can see the Allen Family Tree here

And I'm not with any speaker agencies, but I do two or three after dinners a month, often associated with sport, sometimes as the compere. You can book me through my speaking website JeremyNicholas.co.uk

Oh and this is the answer I was trying to get out of him on Sunday,an anecdote about the nickname Mad Dog after frothing at the mouth with Ian Bishop. The video is from TalkSport.

And if you enjoyed that, click here to see the Moose having a go at one of Martin's ProFC camps.

2011-02-28T21:39:00.001Z

Silent Movie

2011-02-23T21:59:00.000Z

Here's the latest in my And Finally TV reports.

I met a group who compose and perform music for classic silent movies.
They're called the Southwell Collective and the movie featured is the 1928 French gothic horror, The Fall of the House of Usher, based on the novel by Edgar Allen Poe.

In the story a man is painting his wife. As the picture becomes more and more lifelike, so her health fails. As he finishes the portrait, she dies. It all goes downhill from there, she's buried in a fancy coffin, which takes ages, and then the house burns down and she comes back to life, and it's all a bit of a nightmare for the boy Usher, to be honest.

Watch out for my hilarious 'usher' torch gag,with a nod to the Blair Witch Project.

Jem

Victory eclipsed by Mr Moon

2011-01-31T13:14:00.002Z

I’m never one to moan about a fellow West Ham fan, but there’s one chap who is getting on my nerves. This Mr Moon fellow has been arriving and leaving the stadium during games for as long as I can remember.

There’s nothing more annoying than people arriving midway through games is there? You’re in your seat in plenty of time to enjoy the action but have to keep getting up to let others reach their seats. Inevitably this happens just as a goal is scored. The new arrival turns to watch it, but as they are standing up, your view is completely obscured.

At yesterday’s game with Nottingham Forest the master of the late arrival, Mr Moon turned up well into the second half as I was announcing a substitution. To many in the crowd it sounded like Mr Moon came on for the last few minutes of the game.

He’s not the sort of person you’d want to throw on to help protect a one goal lead in a cup tie, because he’s unreliable. In all the years I’ve been coming to West Ham, I’ve never known him stay for a whole game. He’ll often not turn up for five or six games in a row. Mr Moon has been to a few games recently but we’ve had so many home games in January.

True to form on Sunday he sloped off just a few seconds after the final whistle. He didn’t hang about to clap the players after a hard fought FA Cup win. Fair enough he might have worried about getting home with the tube messed up again but he could have stayed a few seconds longer to applaud Obinna the winner and the rest of the victors.

I think Mr Moon is getting too big for his boots. He’s on FIFA 11 now you know. Just like in real life at Upton Park, his arrival and departure are announced over the PA. It’s a recording that is triggered when he arrives. I don’t know exactly how it works. Maybe he wears some kind of electronic tag which is read by a sensor at the turnstile. It’s my voice that announces his comings and goings, so rather embarrassingly, I appeared to be interrupting myself during the substitution.

At the end of the game, when he legged it out of the ground with indecent haste, it interrupted the traditional singing of Bubbles which heralds a home win. If I knew what he looked like, or where he sits, I’d have a word with him. That’s the trouble with Mr Moon, no-one has ever met the guy. He’s a mysterious figure who’s been haunting the Boleyn Ground for years, rather like Inspector Sands on the Underground.

I suspect Mr Moon is not even a proper West Ham fan, he’s just a glory hunter.

So if you are reading this Mr Moon by all means come along to the game on Sunday against Birmingham. Why not bring Mrs Moon, we’ve got a special Valentine’s package on offer, see the club website for details. And young Master Moon can get in for a pound as it’s Kids for a Quid. Make a day of it why don’t you? But please, for the love of God, stay for the whole match and stop getting in the way.

Jeremy Nicholas, London 31.1.11

FIFA SHOW

2011-01-14T12:20:00.002Z

This week I was a guest on the FIFA 11 show with Stevie Morgan and Romily Broad.

You can hear it here

Enjoy

Jem

Getting an announcement at West Ham

2011-01-10T15:50:00.000Z

I'm often asked how you get a message in the matchday programme at West Ham. Well here's how.

You can email your message to programme@westhamunited.co.uk

Or if it's far enough ahead you can send your messages and photographs to Matchday Programme, West Ham United FC, Boleyn Ground, Green Street, Upton Park, London, E13 9AZ.
As a general rule, due to print deadlines, Rob the programme editor, asks supporters to send their messages at least two weeks before the fixture they wish to be included in the programme for.
Please note that the club often receives more requests than it is possible to include, but every effort is made to include as many messages as possible.

And if you'd like a message read out over the PA system at half time by me, just ring the club and leave the details. I collect them four hours before kick off from the Bobby Moore Reception, so as long as you get it in before then, you should be laughing. Again we do get innundated, especially for Kids for a Quid games, so the earlier the better, but not more than one game ahead please.

The phone number is 020 8548 2748

Jem (MC Hammer since 1998)

Paul Merson on Harry Redknapp

2011-01-07T17:57:00.000Z

An interesting tale from one of the game's characters,Paul Merson, on the unique management style of Harry Redknapp.

My resolutions for 2011

2011-01-04T18:03:00.002Z

So it's a new year and as always I will be making some resolutions.

1. To at long last write my book about being the stadium announcer at West Ham. The club have given me permission and I've found a publisher.

2. To do more after dinner speaking outside of London.

3. To get friends to refer me more speaking gigs by offering them ten percent of my fee. I've done this a bit in the back end of 2010 and it's proved very popular with friends, and more effective than using an agent or speakers bureau.

4. To learn Afrikaans.

5. To lose eleven pounds. I currently weigh 12 stone 11, so that is a neat number. I'm calling it 'losing 11 in 2011' and that is the slogan that would be on the bumper stickers, if I was making bumper stickers, which I'm not.

So just five this year, let's hope they are achievable.
And now let's have a look at my ten resolutions from this time last year and see how many of them came true.

TEN THINGS THAT I WOULD LIKE TO ACHIEVE IN 2010 BY JEREMY NICHOLAS

1. To appear as a guest host on BBC Television’s Have I Got News For You. (didn't happen)

2. To speak at the National Speakers Association convention in the USA or the Professional Speakers Association of Southern Africa. (it did happen, I went down a storm in Johannesburg, despite splitting my trousers onstage, maybe that's why they liked it!)

3. To be appointed the main stadium announcer at the London 2012 Olympics. (I have applied and should find out soon if I've made it past the first stage)

4. To be a guest on Radio 5Live’s Fighting Talk programme. (hasn't happened yet)

5. To review the newspapers on Sky News. (ditto)

6. To do some kind of journalism- written, TV or radio at the football World Cup in South Africa in June and July.

cape-town (we went to SA the month before the World Cup, and I spoke at PSASA, but there was no work at the tournament)

7. To present a show on a UK radio station as a fill-in host. (I had an offer from a local radio station, but the fee was a bit too low for me)

8. To produce and present my own podcast on media skills and humorous stories from around the world. (that's still in the pipeline)

9. To set up my own mastermind group for professional speakers in the London area. (I am now in a brilliant mastermind group with six other pro speakers- Ayd Instone, John Hotowka, Geoff Ramm, Andy Lopata, Richard McCann and Rod Sloane. It's not exactly in the London area as three of the group are based in the north, but it's a cracking group)

10. To write my second book- Talking Toolbox- full of great tools to help get your message across. (I've put that on a back burner to concentrate on my West Ham book)

11. To become a fellow of the Professional Speakers Association. - hang on I thought there was meant to be ten ambitions? (I decided I couldn't see the benefit in being a fellow, so I'm staying as a humble member)

So not many of the eleven came off, but it's always best to aim for the stars.

Happy New Year

Jem

Becks on a melon

2010-12-24T13:08:00.000Z

So here’s the final video of this week’s special advent calendar of And Finally reports.

It’s my all time favourite And Finally and comes from a few years back, when an artist was carving England footballer’s faces onto melons to support our boys in the World Cup.

I didn’t have much to work with, it was basically a man and his melons.

I was very proud of the lines ‘the manager’s a Swede, now the players are melons’ and ‘put the bits in the smoothie maker and blend it like Beckham’.

A word of warning, I forgot my make-up bag that day, and I look a bit like a zombie panda in the pieces to camera.

Speedy the tortoise

2010-12-23T11:56:00.000Z

This week being Christmas week I'm sharing my favourite ever TV reports with you.

Behind today's Advent calendar window of fun is Speedy the Tortoise. Sadly he lost a leg and his owners made a new one out of Lego. When that fell to bits they were stumped. Fortunately a neighbour who is an inventor came up with a new high-tech leg.

The feature has the feel of a Victoria Wood style spoof documentary, but I promise you it is genuine.

Watch out for a great wig and a marvellous moment when we wait for Speedy to walk out of frame, so we can move on to the next bit.

Enjoy

The pub full of Rooneys

2010-12-22T15:00:00.000Z

All this week I'm putting a different favourite TV report on my site each day. It's a sort of advent calendar without the chocolate.

This year, being a World Cup year, I did a lot of quirky football reports for the BBC.

I had a drink in a pub where all the bar staff were called Wayne Rooney.

The only one not called Rooney was the manager, who despite being a woman had changed her name by deed poll to Fabio Capello.

I love the shot of all the Rooneys sat in a line all claiming to be Rooney in a scene reminiscent of Spartacus.

Mobile fruit saleswoman

2010-12-21T11:01:00.000Z

Here's a piece I did with a man who collects everything to do with Carmen Miranda.
She's that actress from old films who wore a lot of fruit in her hats.

Enjoy

The tallest cricketer ever

2010-12-20T17:14:00.002Z

As it's Christmas week, I thought I'd create my own version of the advent calendar, but without the chocolate.
Like so many of many ideas, I've had it rather late, so instead of 25 days worth, there's just going to be 5.

Each day this week I will post one of my favourite BBC TV reports from the past year. Kicking off today with the tallest cricketer ever to have played professional cricket. I caught up with him at Leicestershire for the start of the season, along with his rather smaller batting partner.

The Apprentice Spoof

2010-12-20T09:49:00.003Z

Wearing many hats and meeting many Aladdins

2010-12-17T11:40:00.001Z

Here's my regular BBC East Midlands Today pantomime round-up. It was broadcast yesterday and features me at three different versions of Aladdin in Buxton, Leicester and Nottingham.

There's a running gag of me wearing different hats for every piece to camera. I also wear hats in all the noddy shots, including the head of a Chinese lion, which you might not recognise as a traditional noddy, but that was my intention.

It was minus five the day we filmed in Buxton. Many thanks to my brilliant director Viv Holmes. The top camera work was provided by Neil Evans in Buxton and Mark Heathcote in Leicester and Nottingham.

Buxton Opera House is a beautiful venue if you ever get the chance to go. The Little Theatre Leicester is a great example of a well run smaller venue, with a dedicated team of volunteers who made us very welcome.
And the Theatre Royal, Nottingham's production of Aladdin is outstanding for the 3D genie, which the kids all loved the day we were filming. Stephen Mulherne from Britain's Got More Talent was a top bloke too and showed me a great magic trick.

Enjoy the hats!

Good win

2010-12-08T09:59:00.000Z

What a great win by West Ham in the youth cup last night. They beat Aldershot five nil.
We've always had a good youth team and have a great record in the FA youth Cup.

I'll always remember the night 23 thousand turned up to cheer on a nine nil on aggregate win over Coventry in the final. I spent most of the night making safety announcements because so many people had turned up, we'd had to open extra stands to accommodate them all.

Two feet of Snow

2010-12-07T12:03:00.001Z

It's been ridiculously cold lately. I've been wearing my Russian hat at West Ham games. With the flaps down over my ears I look completely ridiculous, but at least it gives friends around me the chance to smile. Even better we've had a good run at home, especially with that Carlinig Cup quarter final 4-0 win over Manchester United. Even Fergie wore a hat that night, leading to shouts of 'Noddy, what's the score?'

Not from me of course.

Away from West Ham it's been bitter on my travels reporting on sport and weird news stories for the BBC in the East Midlands. One night in Derbyshire it was minus fifteen this week. One of our cameramen sent me a picture of two feet of snow. On closer inspection I suspect that isn't the East Midlands in the picture, but it did make me laugh.

Hosting the BBC Children in Need stage

2010-11-20T19:04:00.001Z

Tonight I compered the stage for the BBC Children in Need outside broadcast at East Midlands Airport. It was great fun for a brilliant cause. Well done to everyone who gave up their time and helped raise money for children who need our help.

Here's some pictures of the night.

Being Pudsey

2010-11-19T13:38:00.001Z

My career has peaked.

I've been inside Pudsey on live TV. It was very hot under the lights.

Dolly Rockit Rollers

2010-11-18T18:41:00.000Z

The Dolly Rockit Rollers are a Roller Derby team from Leicester. It’s a sport where the competitors score points by racing round on roller skates overtaking members of the opposition.

The points are scored by the Jammers, in their way stand the more physical Blockers.

Click below to watch my TV report.

Podcast

2010-11-09T15:04:00.001Z

I was a guest on the West Ham podcast Stop Hammertime last night.

Click here to hear Phil Whelans, Jim Grant and I putting the world to rights on all things related to God's chosen team.

Lovely Clean Tigers

2010-11-08T16:03:00.000Z

Have you ever wondered what it would be like to wash the dirty kit of a professional rugby squad?

That's the challenge faced every day by Brenda Hargrave. She's the laundry supervisor at Leicester Tigers.

At the age of seventy she's become a bit of a celebrity having starred in the break bumpers for Eviva either side of the live TV coverage of Premiership rugby.

I went along to meet her at the Tigers Oval Park training ground in Oadby. She was a charming lady, who takes great pride in her team running out in bright, clean kit.

Broad cast

2010-11-05T12:30:00.000Z

Stuart Broad has done the business for England on the opening day of the Ashes Tour.

Here's an interview I did with him last week, just before he set off for Australia.

Wild West Hero

2010-11-04T13:28:00.001Z

Here's a TV feature I did with Britain's number one Roy Rogers collector

Dennis Maskery from Mansfield loves cowboys and dresses in Western gear every day.

On my Wavelength

2010-11-02T18:39:00.004Z

Here's a piece I did with a collector of vintage radios.

Phil Rosen from West Bridgford in Nottinghamshire has over a hundred valve radios. They're beautiful pieces of furniture and have lovely rich tones you just don't get with modern radios.

Danny Baker

2010-11-02T13:45:00.000Z

I was sorry to hear Danny Baker's news about being diagnosed with cancer.

Danny is one of the best broadcasters of his generation in my view. He's a unique talent and his 5Live Saturday morning show has cheered up many a journey to West Ham.

We both worked at GLR the forerunner to BBC London. For a while we handed over to each other at weekends. With him being Millwall and me being West Ham, there was quite a bit of lively banter.

All the best Dan.

Jem

If you can remember the Sixties you weren't there

2010-10-22T13:17:00.000+01:00

I’ll be taking my autograph book with me on Saturday for the Newcastle game.

We have some legendary West Ham players from the sixties, coming down for a chat pitch-side before the game.

The names I’ve been given are Ken Brown, John Bond, Alan Dickie, Alan Stephenson, Ronnie Boyce, Brian Dear, Jack Burkett, Martin Peters, Dennis Burnett, Eddie Bovington and Peter Brabrook.

It’s amazing how many players we had in those cup winning sides of the sixties with surnames beginning with B.

The hard bit for me will be to identify them. I know what they used to look like, but chances are they might not look the same now. For starters I’ve only seen some of them in black and white, and I’m led to believe that they will be in colour on Saturday.

I remember a few seasons back when my guest in the technical area was Alan Devonshire. The curly haired, moustachioed, slim framed wizard of the dribble I was expecting, turned out to be much broader and balder. That’s the trouble with wizards, they can change shape at will.

Just looking at that list, I know Martin Peters of course. I’ve met John Bond and Kenny Brown before. Ronnie Boyce I know, and I sat next to Brian Dear at a game once.

The others I hope will walk out in the order I announce them. If they want to play a trick on me and mix up the order, then I will, not for the first time look a fool.

Still I seem to have made something of a career out of doing daft things. Being the West Ham announcer is not a full time job. I’m only at the ground on match days.

Since the Fulham match I’ve been filming a new series called Collectors.

The highlight is Britain’s top Roy Rogers collector. Dennis has all sorts of Wild West items crammed into his house. He’s a reputable collector but says he does come across a lot of cowboys.

I thanked Dennis for wearing Wild West gear for the filming. Oh, it’s not for the filming, he said, I wear western gear every day. He didn’t flinch when I asked him how he got into Roy Rogers, what was the trigger?

I’ve also filmed with Britain’s biggest badger. I was expecting a large furry animal, but it turned out to be Frank who has 150 thousand button badges. He took some pinning down.

Next week it’s a man with a house full of vintage radios. I hope he’s on my wavelength.

I was filming with 70 year old Brenda the other day. She’s the laundry lady at Leicester Tigers rugby club. One of the players, Boris Stankovich started rooting about in the dirty shorts on the wash room floor. He’d left thirty pounds in his pocket after training. Sadly, Brenda had already loaded his shorts into the washing machine. The burly Kiwi could only wait for his three tenners to come out.

Still it gave me a money laundering gag to end the piece with.

I’ve often given media training to sports people, teaching them how to come across well on TV and radio. I’ve mainly worked with footballers and Olympians, but never rugby players. I don’t know why, but rugby guys always seem to be good talkers. Even the laundry lady at Leicester gave me a great interview.

The other day I was dancing in the Blue Peter garden at Television Centre with Peter Shilton. It was a background feature on his participation in Strictly Come Dancing. Because he’s so much taller, Shilts was the man and I was the woman. I’ve met him many times at sports dinners, where one or other of us has been the after dinner speaker, but it’s the first time I’ve danced with him. I suspect it will be the last. I didn’t really take to it.

Peter gave me a terrific interview. He reckons his dance partner Erin Boag reminds him of Brian Clough, because she’s a great teacher and gets the best out of him.

Regular readers will know I have a bit of history with Cloughie. I have to admit, I’d much rather have a lesson with Erin.

I’ve become a bit of a fan of Strictly. Who would have thought Felicity Kendall was so bendy?

Head judge Len Goodman is a West Ham fan. I bet his favourite player is Kieron Dyer.

‘Number Severrrrrn!!!’

I’m no expert on dancing but I think Anne Widdecombe is unlikely to win the competition. My mate Iain Dale has been known to host stage shows called ‘An Evening with Anne Widdecombe’. I’m hoping Iain will introduce a dance element into future evenings.

Anne has been saved by the public vote. The judges have given her very low scores like threes and fours. The meanest judge Craig Revel Horwood gave her one!

Which was brave.

I’m hoping to get home from the Newcastle game a bit quicker than I did last time. After the Fulham match I finally arrived home at 11.30.

It’s a long story involving Robbie Savage, a monsoon, some environmental warriors, an umbrella, a travel mug and orange feet. You’ll have to click here for the whole travel chaos saga. I find blogging about it much cheaper than therapy.

Up the Irons

Jem

My nightmare journey home from West Ham v Fulham

2010-10-05T21:24:00.002+01:00

I have orange feet.

It’s been three days and I still have orange feet.

It all goes back to Saturday night, the night West London was gridlocked and the heavens opened.

West Ham earned a fighting draw against Fulham. It wasn’t a classic, but it was our fourth game unbeaten, and there are lots of optimistic signs for the future, despite us being bottom of the table.

I thought I’d have a cup of tea in the press room before leaving and listen to the managers’ interviews.

That’s where it all started going wrong. The tea machine was broken, so I had to have coffee. It makes me irritable, but I fancied a sit down, so I drank it anyway.

On the way home I was listening to 606 on the radio. Robbie Savage was whingeing about not being called into the Welsh squad by caretaker boss Bryan Flynn. Mark Chapman was gently ribbing him and it was very entertaining radio. The trouble is 606 is on 5Live on AM. The traffic alerts only work on my car radio on FM and CDs. If I’d been listening to FM I’d have heard that a crash in Hammersmith had brought down a lamppost and the whole of West London was at a standstill. I hit the traffic on the embankment, that’s how bad it was. Earls Court, High St Ken, Cromwell Road, the whole lot was stuffed. No-one was going anywhere.

Then it started raining. Never mind cats and dogs, I think I saw a small horse.

After two and a half hours I had reached Fulham, moving a few feet at a time. My car didn’t enjoy it and showed its displeasure by spewing lots of smoke out of the exhaust. Trouble is, I was stuck in traffic and there was nowhere to go. And by now I was busting for a wee. I knew I shouldn’t have had that coffee.

Some kids knocked on my window to tell me there was something wrong with my car. Who says kids today are thick?

I thanked them for their detective work. One of them was a bit chippy, told me my car was disgusting and it was killing the environment. He was trying to impress a girl. He told me I had to sort it out. As I’d forgotten to pack my boiler suit and set of spanners, I opted to ignore them and sit in the car spewing smoke. He ran off swearing, which won’t have impressed the girl from my experience, and I was left chugging away.

It became apparent that if I didn’t take action, the car might well blow up, so I drove into a side road, parked up and called the AA.

After an hour they hadn’t come. I’d rung three times. I needed a wee and some food, but it was like a monsoon outside, so I stayed put. To make it worst, many of my best friends were all together at an event in Marlow, the annual convention of the Professional Speakers Association. While they were enjoying the gala dinner, I rummaged around inside the car looking for emergency flapjack that was nowhere to be found. I wanted to be with my friends, not stuck cold, lonely and hungry in a dark side road, while a perfect storm beat down on my car.

Eventually I had a wee in my travel mug. Well most of it went in the travel mug, it was hard to tell when it was full, so some of it went on my trousers. Fortunately it was lashing down with rain and it was dark, so no-one saw me. Eventually the AA rang back to say they couldn’t get to rescue me any time soon, as there was gridlock in West London. It’s not just children that are good at spotting obvious things.

I dug out an umbrella from the boot, which is massive but unreliable. It goes up a treat, but it’s a nightmare to get it down again. I set off for the nearest tube using my Sat Nav to guide me. It was tricky looking at the screen and holding the umbrella to protect me from the torrential downpour. TomTom kept telling me I was only a few minutes away from the station, but it expected me to be travelling at thirty miles an hour. Sat Navs aren’t as clever as kids or AA operators.

Peering intently at the screen, I didn’t notice the approaching car or the giant puddle at the edge of the road next to me. I was completely drenched. For some bizarre reason, I didn’t have my coat done up, and the cold water went right through my jumper and shirt. I also discovered my shoes were not remotely waterproof.

Through the streams of rain I made out a shop and toyed with the idea of an emergency Mars bar. My blood sugar was low, but so was the doorway and I wasn’t sure I’d get my umbrella up again if I collapsed it. I decided to push on. I feared drowning more than starving.

When I got to Baron’s Court, I bought a single for Richmond and went onto the platform. Only then did I see a sign saying the District Line was closed from Hammersmith to Richmond. There was a replacement bus service operating. That was no good, Hammersmith was flooded and gridlocked, both unsuitable conditions for buses. So I got on a Piccadilly Line train and headed for Osterley, bracing myself for a tricky conversation at the other end about my ticket being for the wrong destination.

The other people in my tube compartment eyed me suspiciously. I was soaked to the bone and smelt of wee. I’d arrived wrestling with my umbrella and I was mumbling to myself, as I rehearsed a potential conversation with a ticket inspector.

‘Yes I know my ticket is for Richmond. Yes I know I should have got off at Hammersmith and used the replacement bus service, but the thing is Hammersmith doesn’t exist anymore. It’s been wiped out by a biblical flood and a plague of lampposts, so just open the barrier and let me through please because I need to get out of these wet clothes. Yes most of it is wee, with just a little bit of rain. Thank you so much, coming through. Mind my brolly it won’t go down.’

It was quite disappointing to find my ticket opened the barrier at Osterley no problem. I’d rehearsed a speech in my head, easily as good as some that I’ve been paid to deliver, and I think part of me was sad that I couldn’t use it. A £3.50 ticket from Baron’s Court, it appears, will work at any station that is £3.50 away.

My wife met me at the station, sniffed me and kindly agreed to let me sit in the immaculate interior of her car.

After leaving West Ham at 6.10 I had finally arrived back in Twickenham at 11.30. I would have to return to Everington Street W6 the next day to recover my car. Despite West Ham battling for a point, it seemed Fulham had the last laugh.

I’d been in the car for the best part of an evening. Children had laughed at me. I’d weed in a mug. I’d been soaked by a car in a manner only seen in Carry On Films. I was starving hungry and my umbrella was left dripping outside the front door to teach it a lesson.

I’d learnt my lesson. I will never listen to Robbie Savage again. Well, not unless he gets a show on FM.

The final humiliation came when I took off my wet socks, I had orange feet. The shoes were soaked through and the colour of the lining had stained me. It’s still there, three showers later.

Jeremy Nicholas - London UK, 5th October 2010

To book Jeremy as an after dinner speaker and help pay for the repair work on his car, please visit his speaking website for details of fees, testimonials and how to contact the poor, wet, smelly lad. www.JeremyNicholas.co.uk

Mr Moon All Over the World on FIFA 11

2010-10-01T12:22:00.007+01:00

The Jeremy Nicholas Matchday Column

(If you would like to post this article on your site or in your publication, please feel free as long as you post a link back to here)

The new FIFA 11 came out today. I think it’s the best football video game in the world. But I’m biased; I’ve been involved in the EA Sports FIFA games since 2006.

Every year I spend a day in Soho in a sound studio, putting down two thousand new messages in my role as stadium announcer on the games.

If you play any of the FIFA games, alongside the commentators you’ll hear me in the background announcing the team line-ups, the substitutions, the scorers and the added minutes. In fact, everything I announce in real life at West Ham United. There is the facility to turn up the announcer if you want to have a really good listen. I sometimes wish that was possible at the Boleyn Ground.

Each time I also record ten ‘hidden’ messages, which are played at random points.

For example on FIFA 08 I congratulated my wife, Jeanette Kruger, on finishing the London Marathon.

My good friends Dave Cheeseman and Nicola Underdown were delighted to find their marriage being announced on FIFA 09.

I also like to give my nieces and nephews a mention. Christopher, Julian, Kate and Joe have all had birthdays or been lost children who should contact the nearest steward.

My youngest niece was also welcomed to her first ever game, before she was even born. At the time of the recording she was just a bump, going under the working title of Lulu Lemon. By the time she was born, my sister had decided to drop the Lemon bit, quite wisely in my view. But in the game she will always be Lulu Lemon. Once a recording is done, it’s done. When you are doing two thousand messages in a day, there’s little time to go back and change it.

Every car I have ever owned is given a mention over the stadium PA in the games. Listen out for my first car from student days, a blue Mini 1000. I seem to remember the announcement is about its lights being left on. Then there’s my old white Ford Cortina which is illegally parked. There’s a yellow Opel Kadett, a claret Ford Sierra, a blue BMW and a blue Ford Focus, all committing various offences outside stadiums across the world. They’re cars I’ve driven over the years. I should think they’re mostly in the big scrap yard in the sky now, but I like to think they live on through the medium of video gaming.

I read out all the number plates as well. I haven’t put my current car on, in case some deranged gamer comes round my house. Maybe my announcement put them off during a vital moment. That’s the thing with the random messages; they can play at any point in the game. It all adds to the authenticity.

There are a few announcements on there especially for West Ham fans. I don’t mention the club by name, because these messages play out in virtual stadiums across the world. However there’s no reason, I thought, why our safety announcement shouldn’t receive a wider airing. Gamers have the option to play matches with any teams in any ground, but it’s always my voice on the PA. So Mr Moon has been arriving and leaving stadiums across the globe since FIFA 10. There’s also a welcome for ‘everyone at Knees Up Mother Brown’ on the last two games, a thank-you for the support on the forums I received during the difficult days of the first half of the 2008/09 season.

If you listen carefully there are lots of Canadian youngsters who also get a mention. Electronic Arts is based in Vancouver and the team on the FIFA games get a kick out of hearing their off-spring announced.

So how did I get this dream job? Like most of the good things in my life, there’s a West Ham connection. After the success of FIFA 06 the EA guys decided to bring out a special edition, called FIFA 06 -The Road to the World Cup. They were facing increasing competition from rivals like Pro-Evolution Soccer, so to keep ahead of the game they added some extras.

Video game consoles were getting more sophisticated. The newly launched X Box 360 had increased capacity that would allow more layers of audio. As well as the commentators, EA decided to add a stadium announcer and enhanced crowd sounds. I was lucky. The commentators were Andy Gray and Martin Tyler, represented by an agent called Matthew Fisher, who just happened to be a West Ham season ticket holder. When the guys in Vancouver asked him to find an announcer for the new game, he gave me a call. I’ve been the voice of the games ever since.

This summer I was speaking at a three day football event at the NEC in Birmingham. After facilitating at a few sessions with big name speakers like Graham Taylor, Peter Taylor, Ian Holloway and one of the Alan Smiths, I found I was signing just as many autographs as they were. They couldn’t all be West Ham fans and most of the kids were far too young to remember me presenting football on Channel 5.

They were gamers. I realised this on day one when two boys asked me what Mr Moon means on FIFA 10. I said it was a safety message at West Ham, and if I told them exactly what it meant, I would have to kill them. At which point they ran off crying.

For the rest of the three days I happily posed for photos and signed autographs for football fans, who’d only ever heard me in the confines of a video game.

It was all a bit strange and reminded me of a time a few years back, when I’d left West Ham after a match, by the player’s entrance. A small boy who’d been patiently waiting held up his autograph book and said, ‘scuse me mate, are you anyone?’

I replied that sadly I wasn’t anyone, but he might have heard my voice on the PA and I’d happily sign for him.

‘No, you’re all right,’ he said, and put his book away.

A few years later it seems I have now cracked the child market. Being the stadium announcer on a video game, it seems is far more prestigious than doing it in real life!

Up the Irons! Here’s to keeping up our unbeaten run against Fulham and building on that win over Spurs.

Jeremy Nicholas - London, UK 1^st October 2010

For TV and speaking blogs or to book me to speak or MC at your event please visit

www.JeremyNicholas.co.uk

For further football reading see the blog archive on the left hand side of this page. You will find delights such as the day I met Paolo Di Canio and the day Brian Clough punched me.

Matchday Column

2010-09-24T16:02:00.004+01:00

One of my favourite films is Chariots of Fire, where devout Christian Eric Liddell refused to run at the Paris Olympics because his race was on a Sunday. I like people who are not afraid to stand up for something that is important to them.

I admired Avram Grant for his stance on Yom Kippur. I know from Jewish friends that the Day of Atonement is a big deal. Avram decided his faith came first, but also took the decision knowing he could still do his job, albeit from a distance. He spent the week before the Stoke game working with the players in training, picked the team and trusted his coaches to carry out his wishes. I’m glad we have a principled manager.

After his return and the win at Sunderland I hope we will now push on and turn the season around.

Avram has been put under ridiculous pressure by the papers, which seemed to think his absence somehow led to us winning our first point of the season at Stoke. What nonsense that is. I keep reading that he only has a few games to make things happen or he’s out.

I will start to believe what I read in the papers when they start getting a few facts right. How many times did you see stories recently about West Ham captain Scott Parker leaving the club? Despite the chairmen saying he was the one player not for sale, the papers wouldn’t let it lie.

But never mind the fact that he didn’t leave, he is not the captain. The captain of West Ham United is Matthew Upson. (Note to reporters, feel free to copy and paste this phrase.)

Try putting the phrase ‘West Ham captain Scott Parker’ into Google and see what comes up.

Can’t be bothered? OK, I’ve done it for you.

West Ham have won the war to keep their captain Scott Parker ..The Sun – August 11^th

West Ham captain Scott Parker claims ….Telegraph – September 10^th

Captain marvel: Scott Parker grabs West Ham's goal at Stoke – Daily Mail – Sep 18^th

West Ham captain Scott Parker has ended speculation …. - The Mirror – Sep 9^th

And many, many more.

Rather than checking their facts, many reporters just assume it’s correct, because they’ve read it in another paper.

I know what reporters are like, because I am one. OK, I work for the BBC, universally regarded as the ‘voice of truth’ so I always check my facts, but I’m still at heart, a journo.

I was in the newsroom at BBC East Midlands Today this week and was asked if I had a phone number for goalkeeper and art lover Stephen Bywater. The former West Ham stopper is currently plying his trade in Derby. He’s upset his neighbours with a controversial art installation in his garden.

Having seen the pictures in the papers of the so called ‘art’, I was hoping this wasn’t a story that would be assigned to me. Stephen’s art features a horsebox, some graffiti and at one stage a blow-up doll and an enormous phallus.

What a knob, I thought.

You can see the ‘artwork’ at http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-derbyshire-11393407

For the record I do not have the phone number of any current or past West Ham footballers. If I did, I wouldn’t give them to journalists. That doesn’t stop BBC producers often ringing and asking for them, as if my loyalty to the BBC might outweigh my loyalty to West Ham. It doesn’t.

I love the principles of the BBC. I value its ideals to inform, educate and entertain. I’ve worked for it on and off since 1987. But I’ve never lost my voice singing for it or cried when it was relegated.

I did get a bit upset when they closed GLR, the best radio station ever, but I didn’t actually cry.

Actually I might have cried when they killed off Mel in ‘Waking the Dead’, but that’s not the point. The thing is I haven’t got any of the numbers.

Instead of going to the art viewing, I was despatched to interview Notts County fans who’d had their coaches attacked by Wolves hooligans.

They’d been left to fend for themselves because the game had been declared ‘low risk’, so there were little or no police on duty. Some Wolves youths hurled bricks through their windows and an old lady took one in the face, narrowly missing her eye.

Notts County’s manager and chief executive visited 78 year old Lois at her home, to make sure she was OK. The tough old bird assured them it wouldn’t stop her travelling away with Notts. That would mean the hooligans had won. Good on her.

Fair play to Wolves who also sent her some flowers.

I’ve never understood hooligans. For me the excitement of the match is enough, but I know some people also enjoy a bit of aggro. When I was ten, my Mum stopped me going to West Ham because of all the newspaper coverage of football violence. As a compromise I was allowed to go to Leyton Orient games, which I thought was a bit harsh. Having served my time, I was allowed to go to West Ham again when I was eleven. Looking back at it now, I don’t think my chances of surviving an attack would have been much better aged eleven, than at ten, but at the time I just kept quiet.

In other news- I’ve been asked why my column is no longer in Over Land and Sea. That’s because Gary Firmager wanted it exclusively, in line with his policy of original writing. I’d already turned Iain Dale’s request for exclusivity on West Ham Till I Die, so I had to say the same to Gary. At the moment the column is on Knees Up Mother Brown, WHTID and The Ball is Round, as well as my own Mr Moon Has Left the Stadium blog. If anyone else would like it on their site, please drop me a line via my site http://JeremyNicholas.co.uk and I’ll send it to you the day before every home game.

As for my column being in the club’s official programme, I’ve been told by Rob the editor that it will appear in five issues across the season, so keep an eye out.

My absence from the Stop Hammertime podcast is due to the recording moving to Monday nights, when I often have TV commitments. I will however be appearing on the October 2^nd podcast. It’s a great show from Phil Whelans and Jim Grant. If you’ve never listened, you can find out more at http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=7950250447

Well done to West Ham fan Jamie Penfold who successfully completed his biathlon of cycling to Upton Park from St James’ Park after taking part in the Great North Run. You can read about Geordie Hammer’s efforts to raise money for the Bobby Moore Fund at http://bobbymoorebiathlon.blogspot.com/

Here’s hoping for a win against Tottenham. It’s a good time to play them. They have a lot of defenders injured and a European game on their minds. We are on the up after Stoke and Sunderland, so the Boleyn should be noisy.

And finally in my newly appointed role as head of factual standards, I urge all journalists at the game to give Matthew Upson the recognition he deserves and acknowledge him as captain of West Ham United. Just don’t ring me asking for his number.

Jeremy Nicholas, London 24^th September 2010

(In my next column I'll reveal all the hidden announcements I've recorded in six years as stadium announcer on the EA Sports FIFA video games, from FIFA 06 right up to the soon to be released FIFA 11.)

As they say on Amazon, if you enjoyed reading that, you may enjoy some of these:

Deportivo (being the stadium announcer)

The Bakewell Show (being a TV reporter)

Get Back on the Stage (being a professional speaker)

Paolo Di Canio

2010-09-14T22:42:00.000+01:00

It was great to see Paolo Di Canio at the Chelsea game on Saturday. He was opening the Paolo Di Can10 lounge, which is a neat way of incorporating his number into the name.

We spoke before the game. I told him he'd once got me into big trouble at West Ham. It came at the end of what we all expected to be his last ever game for the club.

The papers had been full of move to Manchester United ahead of the Champions League transfer deadline. At the end of his 'last' match, he waved to all four sides of the ground and pounded his fist against his chest above his heart. It was clear he was saying goodbye.

Di Canio was an all round entertainer who's skill and passion made him a real crowd favourite. I wasn't going to let him leave without a proper send off, so rather unwisely, I decided to say something.

'Let's hear it one last time for Paolo, we might never see him again', I announced on the PA.
The crowd erupted into the Paolo di Canio song, as written by Verdi for Rigoletto but with slightly better lyrics. We all went home knowing we'd lost one of our own, but at least we'd given him a rousing goodbye.

The move to Manchester United never happened. Paolo went on to play for us for another couple of seasons. I received a letter from Scott Duxbury, the club lawyer, saying it was not my job to comment on transfer speculation. I was only to announce what happened on the pitch. It was addressed to Jeremy Nichols.

I was upset and not just because my name is Nicholas. The club had clearly been embarrassed by my announcement, which had been reported in the papers. As a fan I'd just wanted to ensure Paolo knew how much we loved him. But I'm not just a fan, I'm a club employee. By wishing him goodbye, I'd given the papers a quote which suggested West Ham had given up on keeping their star player. I had no idea what stage the transfer deal had reached, but clearly my comments weren't helpful to the club's position in the negotiations.

I'm pretty sure from Paolo's reaction that he thought he was off, but for some reason it didn't happen. Manchester United's inability to offload Dwight Yorke to free up funds, probably had more bearing than my comments, but I did feel a bit of a plonker, when I announced Paolo in our side at the next game. Even though I was delighted he was staying.

When I told Paolo the story on Saturday he said he was never going to leave West Ham, it was his second home after Lazio. I didn't really believe him. I know what I saw that day, and I know the lure of Champions League football was very strong. But I could tell from his expression that he really did feel a bond for West Ham.

Paolo is one of those people who can make you feel every emotion in a short space of time. Just watch that classic game against Bradford. He despaired of his team mates for playing badly and sat on the floor and demanded to be substituted like a petulant child. But later he was grabbing the ball out of Frank Lampard Junior's hands to take a penalty, even though he was not the designated penalty taker. We went on to win 5-4 inspired by Paolo.

The guy is a paradox. He pushed referee Paul Alcock to the ground in his Sheffield Wednesday days and was banned for eleven matches. But in a West Ham shirt he showed great sportsmanship to stop the game bcause Everton keeper Paul Gerrard was injured.His actions earned praise from FIFA,

I loved his cheeky skills. Sometimes his showboating was worth the admission fee alone, but he did suffer terribly with northern flu and he often missed tricky away games up north.

At the unveiling of the plaque in the new lounge, West Ham chairman David Gold was urged by an over enthusiastic supporter to sign Paolo as our manager. I know Paolo would love that. He clearly loves our club as much as we love him. It would certainly be fun and maybe it will happen one day, but I think he needs to get some experience of management first.

An untried Italian in charge at West Ham is not a good idea, no matter how much of a genius they used to be on the pitch. You don't need a very long memory to know that.

Jeremy Nicholas - Nottingham, UK (I'm a bit like Paolo, any further north than this and I get a nose bleed, I'll be heading back to London in a couple of days)

Get onstage and stay onstage

2010-09-10T19:47:00.000+01:00

Here's an article I've written for the current issue of Speakeasy, the magazine of the Professional Speakers Association. You can read the whole magazine here

You're brilliant. You should be on the stage. And there's another one leaving in fifteen minutes.
This is an old joke from the days of the Wild West, as told by members of the National Speakers Association of Dodge City.

Of course, stage coaches are long since gone. They would have been gone a lot quicker if their wheels hadn't gone backwards in the old films. Something to do with motion capture and frames per second.

But the point remains. If you are good, you should be on the stage. If you speak for a living, get on that stage. If you have to speak at events because of your expertise, get on that stage. If you are invited to a venue, to speak to an audience and there is a stage at the front of that audience.....stand on it. Do not get off it. No matter how much the room starts spinning, plant your feet firmly and command that stage.

If you get off that stage and start walking about in the audience, you have stopped being a speaker and you have become a trainer. Not that there's anything wrong with trainers. I own several pairs. They are very comfortable and supportive and make me feel like running.

Of course when times are hard, like most speakers, I do my fair share of training. But I keep it quiet. The training page of my website has a Wordpress widget which is an animated librarian who makes a Shush noise.

No of course it doesn't, but here comes the point of this article. (It's a bit like the L'Oreal advert where you have to sit through a lot of hair flicking, before you come to the science bit.)

I compere events, where there are many speakers across the day. I watch in horror as speaker after speaker, leaves the stage to wander among the audience. They've probably been to some session on presentation skills, where they are told it makes them appear more human, if they connect with the audience. Let me tell you, this is nonsense. If you are on the stage people can see you better because you are in the light and you are raised up. They can hear you better because that's where the microphone works best, without feeding back on the speakers. Besides who wants to be human? No-one pays to hear a mere human speak, they want a guru.

The other week I was at an event, where six out of eight speakers left the stage during their talk. It meant the people in the front were having to crane their necks round to see them. The camera operators were struggling to find them in the dark. The shorter speakers might as well have been in a hole, for all we could see of them. (Yes I admit it, I'm only5'8", that's why I like the stage.)

You don't have to stay on the podium or behind the lectern. It's OK to move about, whatever Toastmasters tell you. But it's not OK to get off the stage. It just isn't. Not unless you are luminous, tall and have a very loud voice.

God invented stages so we could stand on them. OK maybe it wasn't actually God, but Jesus was a carpenter and he probably built a few stages for the Nazareth Speakers Association in his time. When he was talking to his followers he probably couldn't afford a stage, so he would stand on a hill. We've all heard of the Sermon on the Mount. Well we wouldn't have heard of it, if it had been the Sermon in the Hollow, because no-one would have been able to see or hear Jesus.

So the next time you are onstage talking to an audience and you are tempted to go amongst the people, please don't. It's not big and it's not clever.

I would have given individual feedback to all the so called speakers, who wandered off the stage in search of the common touch, but they wouldn't have thanked me for it. I'm not Simon Cowell. Besides, they all had more than enough feedback on the day, because they wandered too close to the loudspeakers!

Jeremy Nicholas - London, UK

(If all the world's a stage, where are the audience going to sit?)

If you had no idea that I was an after dinner speaker and compere, then you might be interested in speaking website JeremyNicholas.co.uk , especially if you have a Christmas dinner, sportsman's dinner, awards show or any other event coming up, especially one with a huge budget.

The Jeremy Nicholas Matchday Column

2010-09-10T19:05:00.003+01:00

Three games into the Premier League season and we are still without a point. Thanks goodness it’s only Chelsea, Stoke and Tottenham next, or I’d be worried.

There’s been a debate on the message boards on a novel way to get behind the team. It’s all about adopting the 66^th minute, an idea put forward by a poster called Shammy. Impressed by the way Trabzonspor fans erupt into song on the 61^st minute of every game, because their postcode is 61, he wants West Ham fans to do something similar.

Shammy suggests the 66^th minute in tribute to the year when West Ham won the World Cup.

As always on message boards a debate soon becomes a heated debate and there’s all manner of arguments for doing it and not doing it. There are calls for me to get involved and help coordinate the ‘spontaneous’ singing. Others think that would be just plain wrong.

Now I think adopting a minute is a great idea, but not if it’s coordinated by anyone from the club itself.

If it’s going to be spontaneous, it has to come from the fans. Me indicating that now is the time to sing would be cringeworthy and we’d be the laughing stock of the league. So I have no plans to blow a whistle, make an announcement or do anything to indicate it is time to do something. The Boleyn Ground Orchestra has been sounding mighty fine for a hundred years without a conductor, and I have no plans to become one.

Sorry if anyone thinks that’s lame, but for everyone who does, I know there will be ten who are with me on this one.

During Alan Pardew’s tenure as West Ham’s manager, he was in favour of all sorts of things to get the crowd going, that I wasn’t comfortable with. I had to stand my ground on a few issues, namely the playing of music after goals. A few times when the crowd was quiet he told me I hadn’t done my job properly. I could have argued that the level of noise had more to do with his performance than mine. But I didn’t.

To be fair to Pards the best ever Boleyn Ground atmosphere that I’ve experienced did come during his regime. The semi-final play off against Ipswich will live long in the memory. However once you’ve employed bubble machines, opera singers, dancers, ticker tape welcomes and the like, it means the next game, when you don’t use them, can be a bit flat. I suspect the Ipswich semi would have been a bit special anyway. If you keep throwing paraffin on the fire, it does give you a big burst of fire, but in the long run the fire dwindles, craving more paraffin. It’s far better to let the fire grow naturally. That way the fire knows it’s on its own and it’s not waiting for any artificial accelerant.

My proudest West Ham memory is singing ‘Billy Bonds Claret and Blue Army’ over and over at the FA Cup semi final at Villa Park. As the Forest goals went in, we didn’t miss a beat. It was spontaneous and I’m welling up just thinking about it. I work a lot for BBC TV in Nottingham and the Forest fans still mention it.

It happened because we were filled with righteous indignation at the ludicrous decision by referee Keith Hackett to send off Tony Gale. The noise was immense. It was mentioned by commentators and showed that we may not be the best club in the world, but we are special. The continuous chanting didn’t affect the result, but Keith Hackett’s guide dog was off his Bonio for weeks.

It would be great to think we can recreate that level of noise again. But it has to come from within.

When each slave stood up at the end of the film Spartacus to claim ‘I’m Spartacus’ it was an incredibly powerful ending. It wouldn’t have been half as powerful if Kirk Douglas had gone round beforehand asking Tony Curtis and the rest to do it. OK they all got crucified, but what a message they’d sent out.

So back to the Chelsea game.

Shammy is suggesting the 66^th minute. Others suggest the 64^th minute or the 65^th minute in recognition of the FA Cup and European Cup Winners Cup triumphs. There’s also a similar case for the 75^th and 80^th minutes as FA Cup years. Maybe the 23^rd as well, although we lost that one. It would be good to have a first half minute though, so step forward the 40^th minute, to commemorate our War Cup win.

I’ve no plans to tell anyone what to do. I’m not chucking paraffin on this particular fire. But as there’s a danger that the fire might not get going at all, here’s a few firelighters. They come in the form of suggestions from fellow fans and therefore qualify as coming from within. I’m just relaying them.

6^th minute Bobby Moore’s Claret and Blue Army

23^rd minute- Sydney King’s Claret and Blue Army

40^th minute – War Cup, we won the …etc

64^th, 65^th, 66^th minute – (19 mins on second half clock) continuous ‘We are West Ham’s Claret and Blue Army’ for three minutes until the 67^th minute (22 mins on clock)

75^th minute – Bubbles (the 75 squad recorded it)

80^th minute – Slow Bubbles (lots of people love the idea of a slower version, but does anyone have the bottle to start it?)

81^st minute Chitty Chitty Bang Bang Bubbles. (I’ve only ever heard this a few times, but it is awesome if done well).

I think there are some good and bad suggestions in there. I’m sure people can think up some better ones. It would be great to think that sporadically during the game, people tried to start their own chants linked to particular minutes.

There’s always the danger that no-one joins in and you look a right plonker. But just imagine if everyone around you DOES join in. What a feeling that must be.

How I’d love to be able to claim I was the person who started the ‘Johnny Lyall’s Claret and Blue Army’ song during the minute’s silence at the Middlesbrough semi-final. It was a very brave thing to do, because there was a chance that no-one would join in and the instigator would be seen as spoiling the silence. As it was, we all joined in and John son’s Murray has subsequently told me how touched the family were at that outpouring of emotion.

So sing what you want, when you want against Chelsea. But if you are going to do it, do it loud and do it proud.

Just a couple of things to mention before I finish.

Jamie Penfold (Geordie Hammer) is doing a sponsored cycle ride from Newcastle to West Ham. Just to make it more interesting he’s riding down in the two days after he’s finished running the Great North Run. It’s all for the Bobby Moore Fund and you can read more about it here.

We went to Buckingham Palace last weekend. There’s been rumours for a while that the Queen is a West Ham fan. I’ve only seen her at the ground once, and she was opening a grandstand at the time. The Palace won’t comment on the speculation, but it’s known she was a fan of Ron Greenwood. After the visit I popped into the souvenir shop and came across these claret and blue Union Jack cushions. So maybe it is true?

Come on you Irons!

Jem

Jeremy Nicholas – Stadium Announcer at West Ham United since 1998. For more of my writings about life, football and God’s chosen team please visit MrMoonhasleftthestadium.com

Interview after coming offstage in Edinburgh

2010-09-02T18:09:00.000+01:00

Last week I was a guest onstage with the Brighton improv group The Maydays, in their Guest Who? show at the Edinburgh Festival.

Each night they had a different special guest. Other guests in the run included Jim Bowen, Rob Rouse and James Dowdeswell, so the audience must have been disappointed to find it was me.

A few minutes after coming offstage in the early hours of the morning, I was interviewed for the Maydays website. You can see that interview and almost smell the fear here.

Geordie Hammer

2010-09-01T17:51:00.001+01:00

You have to be mad to be a West Ham fan.

Geordie Hammer is just a bit madder than the rest of us.

In real life he's Jamie Penfold, but in his spare time he's a claret and blue clad superhero called Geordie Hammer.

He's raising money for the Bobby Moore Fund with a three day biathlon.

On the 19th September he's running the Great North Run, which is a half-marathon. After a thirteen mile run, most of us would be putting our feet up for the rest of the week. But not Geordie Hammer. He's setting off the next day to cycle from one park to another.

On the 20th September he's cycling from Newcastle's St James' Park to Lincoln. (approx 175 miles)

On the 21st September he leaves Lincoln and cycles the rest of the way down to West Ham's Upton Park.
(approx 128 miles)

He'll arrive at the Boleyn Ground on the evening of 21st September. I hope a few people will get along to welcome him. He deserves it. I'm working out of town that week, so I won't be there, but if you can get along, give him a shout.

You can read Jamie's blog about his training here (In the latest update he's just back from Ibiza where he managed to turn his ankle making paper planes! Not ideal just before the big event.)

Donate to Jamie's charity bike ride via the Just Giving site here

And see what fellow Irons are saying about his madness on the KUMB thread here

Jem Nottingham 1st September 2010

Here's an extract from Jamie's blog from February 24th 2010 (I'm re-publishing it without permission, but I can't imagine he'll mind, and if he does he'll be so weak from his training that I'll easily be able to run away)

THE BOBBY MOORE BIATHLON by JAMIE PENFOLD (Geordie Hammer)

I've spent most of the day wondering where the past 17 years have gone. I remember the evening of 24th February 1993 clearly. I hadn't long got back from school, was sat on the coffee table. Mum was sitting on the sofa (it was a horrible green and pink flowery one). Neighbour's had just finished and then the 6 o'Clock News started

"Tonights headlines.....England's World Cup winning captain, Bobby Moore, has died..."

Mum put her hand over her mouth and started crying. I was 15 but knew enough about the importance of Bobby Moore, not just to my club, West Ham, but also to the national football team. Everything just stopped. We never moved until the news finished. Dad stood motionless, not saying a word. The way they were it was almost like we had lost a relative.

17 years on most people have forgotten about what today is about. The authorities never gave Bobby the recognition he deserved. The West Ham and Fulham fans still remember on the 24th Feb each year. It's important for us to remember The Greatest. The man was a gentleman and in today's football world of sleaze and money, a lot of footballers would do well to follow his example of how he led his life on and off the pitch.

And this is why I am doing this event. It's going to hurt. It's going to be tough. But it's the least I can do in the memory of such a great person. Since his death The Bobby Moore Fund for Cancer Research UK has been working tirelessly to fight bowel cancer and the only way they can continue this fight is through people like myself trying to go the extra mile and raising money on their behalf.

I'm starting to get donations and messages of support and I've still got just over 6 months to go. It's blown me away to be honest. Let me make this clear...this is not a West Ham thing as some people have suggested. Far from it. Bobby Moore is more than just West Ham. He represented football and everything that was and is good about it.

Viva Bobby Moore!

Jamie Penfold - 24th Feb 2010

Leaving Edinburgh

2010-08-29T17:57:00.006+01:00

We're on the train heading back to London after a great few days at the Edinburgh Festival.

The highlight for me was the French mime artiste Julien Cottereau. If you read my previous blog, you'll know I didn't have high hopes. But he was a word of mouth recommendation. (insert joke here)

A woman who sat next to us at another show was so enthusiastic about him, we decided to go. When you walk along the Royal Mile at Edinburgh, you are bombarded with flyers about shows from enthusiastic backstage staff. They have an interest in the show, so they all swear it's going to be great. If you can get an unbiased review from a real life punter, my instinct is to act on it. We weren't disappointed with the young French chap, a graduate of the Cirque du Soleil. He was incredible, weaving a tale of chewing gum, dog attacks, monsters and maidens trapped in towers into an action packed hour where he didn't speak a word. The girl three seats to my left was hauled up onto the stage to play the part of the trapped maiden. She didn't know what to say. Fortunately it was a mime, so she was fine.

The low point of the ten shows we saw was Night Heron. Set entirely in a Fenland cottage, it featured a motley bunch of lowlifes. We'd fallen for a brilliant pitch from a flyerer. I think flyerer is a word, although it might not be spelt or spelled like that. It was a psychological thriller. I'm not sure exactly what happened, but there was a suicidal religious gardener, a leaf blower who'd set up his own religion, a nutter in a mask who attacked people in the marshes and an ex-con woman who was clearly bipolar. At the end a student was kidnapped by the ex-con and totally naked onstage he was forced to write poetry to win a thousand pound prize in a competition. My wife enjoyed the show more than I did, but she has good eyesight. It wasn't cold in the theatre but you wouldn't have known it to look at him.

The woman next to me didn't enjoy the show much. Her husband pointed out that she'd had a great night out at the theatre and she'd seen a cock that was bigger than his. I smiled politely and felt very sorry for him if it was true. The Night Heron was almost as depressing as watching West Ham's three nil defeat at Manchester United later, but at least we saw some balls. Four games into the season, we're still pointless and only narrowly defeated Oxford in the cup.

Fortunately we've got a couple of easy home games coming up with the visits of Chelsea and Spurs. Otherwise I would be worried. We've drawn Sunderland away in the cup. Like all West Ham fans I always believe the good times are just around the corner.

It's been a lovely trip up to Edinburgh. It seems ages ago that I was on the train up, personalising the slides in my powerpoint ready for my talk on using humour, to the Professional Speakers Association, Scotland chapter.

The audience were a lovely bunch. Professional speakers in general are lovely people but the Scottish chapter seemed especially warm. Of course I couldn't understand a lot of what they were saying but I could tell by their smiles they were friendly. Hardly anyone of them were wearing the blue facepaint that often heralds the arrival of English guest speakers.

Half-man, half badger Kenny Harris is the jovial president of PSA Scotland, who's become an impressive speaker now he's mastered the art of standing on his hind legs.He whisked me, the wife and half the audience out after the event, to a strange venue that appeared to be a disused railway arch. An incredible night of improv followed with The Maydays, which I will remember for the rest of my life. I've never been onstage so unprepared before. I can't remember much about it now, but I know I loved it. When we saw the Maydays a couple of days later walking through Edinburgh late at night, I wanted to run across and kiss them all. Being English, I just waved of course.

It was great to see Welsh comedian Chris Corcoran in action. Corky and I did quite a few stand-up gigs together in the early noughties. He's stuck with it and done well. He's a regular presenter on BBC Wales and also on CBBC. We went for an Italian meal with him after his show. It turns out he's been playing touch rugby for the Wales over 30's team and they've won the European title. It's amazing what you find out about people. His friend Sarah from BBC Wales had lost her phone in a taxi. Chris rang it, but there was no reply. Sarah went off to try and find it. While she was away, the taxi driver rang Chris to say he'd found the phone. But how would we tell Sarah? We couldn't. It was like being trapped in a badly written sitcom. In the end we just ate our food and waited. Not a very funny ending, but like I say it was badly written.

My wfie Jeanette was keen on the Scotch Whisky Tour up by the castle. You ride about in a whisky barrel and learn about the history of whisky. Sadly we ran out of time and never made the tour. I've had to promise that we'll do it the next time we're in Edinburgh.

Circus Burlesque was my first experience of a burlesque show, but it won't be the last. What's not to like? Great tunes, comedy and lovely ladies in glamorous outfits which gradually disappeared. There was one point when the rather fetching Lola La Belle was unclipping the stockings from her corset while hiding behind some feathers, when I found my mind wandering. The classical music was terrific, very stirring. It would be fantastic to have just before Bubbles in the build up at the Boleyn Ground.

As we left Circus Burlesque, I asked what the music was. An officious little blonde chap from the theatre said now was not the time to ask, and I must leave by the exits. He was wearing quite thick glasses and I think he may have mistaken me for cattle rather than a paying customer. I'll have to look up Lola La Belle on YouTube and see if I can find the music for the feather dance. I might need to watch it a few times, just to make sure I get the right tune. It will be a tough job, but someone has to do it.

Phill Jupitus was in fine form in his show Celebrity Autobiography. He's got a copy of his new book Morning Nantwich, about breakfast radio shows, to give me. He's going to bring it along to a West Ham game. He's usually in the Off the Kerb box with Lee Evans. I was delighted to hear that Phill thanks me in the back of his book, having been a listener and colleague when I was presenting the breakfast show on GLR (now BBC London 94.9).

So it's back to London until the next Edinburgh Festival. Having seen Chris Corcoran do so well, I'm itching to give stand-up another go. After dinner speaking is great, but it's only really methadone when it comes to feeding the comedy habit. Phill mentioned Robin Ince's Book Club, which he thinks I might be good for, so maybe something might come from that.

Jem on the East Coast Line between Edinburgh and Kings Cross, 29th August 2010

Edinburgh Festival

2010-08-28T10:50:00.005+01:00

After cheering on West Ham to triumph over the mighty Oxford I was straight on a train north to Edinburgh for a few days at the festival.
I was giving a talk on how to use Humour in Business Presentations. It went down a storm. Not quite as well as it did in Johannesburg earlier in the year, but at least I didn't split my trousers on stage this time. I'm not keen on flying by the seat of my pants.
A few hours later I was onstage again, this time as the guest of Brighton improv group The Maydays. I was the guest in their 11.30 pm show 'Guest Who'. The audience would shout out a word. I would then tell a true story from my life, that the word suggested to me. The troupe would then improvise some sketches based around my story. It sounds scary, doesn't it?
It was very scary, but I like that buzz of not knowing what's going to happen next. Years of supporting West Ham had prepared me for anything. It was a great night and by all accounts I was very funny. Just as well really, half the audience from my humour talk had come along, to make sure I was the genuine article.
If you get a chance to see The Maydays in action, grab it, they are fantastic.

Aside from that we've seen three shows a day. Fellow Hammer Phill Jupitus was great in Celebrity Autobigraphy, reading out true extracts from famous people's life stories.

My wife wants to visit the Scotch Whisky Experience. She got
very close to the barrel outside.

I'll be finding a bar somewhere in Edinburgh watch the match at Manchester United. I'm hoping the claret and blue in our hotel carpet is a good omen.

A quick look at a few of the West Ham sites, sets me up for the day, before setting off for some culture. There's talk of a French mime artiste this afternoon. I have nothing to say about that idea, and nor does he.

A forum on Knees Up Mother Brown is in favour of West Ham fans spontaneously erupting into song 66 minutes into every game. That sounds like a cracking idea. Let's do it. We'll sort it out at the next home game. I'll need someone from the forum to come down and have a chat with me in the pre-match build up on the big screen. Volunteers please.

Jeremy Nicholas, Edinburgh Festival,
August 28th 2010

My interview on The Ball is Round

2010-08-22T10:32:00.004+01:00

Here's an interview I did with Stuart from The Ball is Round website

Jem

Unsung Heroes 2: Mr Moon has left the stadium

After last weeks shocking revelations in our Unsung Heroes of football series involving the screen operator, this week we turn to the man who is responsible for literally setting the tone before, during and after the game. The stadium announcer is the link between what goes on on the pitch and the crowd. We know many of these fine individuals all of whom have magnificent tales to tell, but what better person to add to our gallery of heroes than Jeremy Nicholas, a man who has outlasted 5 managers now at Upton Park!
So to put the myths to bed, let’s head on over to E13 and see what goes on during a match at Upton Park.
To many fans you are Mr West Ham. A matchday is not the same with you on the mic on the edge of the pitch. West Ham is known to have a few famous fans (Russell Brand, Kiera Knightly, Ray Winstone and Courtney Mitchell from Eastenders) so who is most famous in your phone?
Tommy Docherty who I used to co-present with on TalkSport
You did the stadium announcing in the background for FIFA07. Did you slip in a few ficticious names? And were you tempted to mention Mr Moon?
I’ve been the voice on FIFA 06 The Road to the World Cup, FIFA 07, FIFA 08, FIFA 09 and FIFA 10. I’m waiting to hear I’m on FIFA 11. I usually slip ten announcements of my own into every game. Mr Moon arrives and departs on FIFA 10. Every car I’ve ever owned has left it’s lights on or is illegally parked in one or other of the games. I’ve also mentioned friends as lost kids and congratulated colleagues on their weddings.
Talking of our astrological friend, Do you ever find out why Mr Moon is in the ground?
The legend of Mr Moon is shrouded in secrecy. He doesn’t usually stay very long and then he goes. I think he’s a fair-weather fan.
Your background is in radio presenting – including a prestigous Sony award. So what is the biggest gaffe you have made on air?
Before they were famous I introduced a song by The La’s calling them The L.A.s
I am sure most fans think you simply turn up at 2.55pm on a Saturday, grab your mic and stand by the pitch. Now is your chance to debunk that myth. What does you typical matchday look like?
I have a meeting four hours before kick off with the rest of the matchday team. That’s 11am on a normal Saturday.
What about research on the players – “making his 150th game for the Hammers today is…” who does that for you?
I do my own research.
Do you ever meet up with your fellow announcers to swap tips? And have you ever been asked to “fill in” at a game when the regular announcer loses his voice?
There’s never been an official meeting of announcers, but I know a few socially. We all do things differently.
I was once asked to announce at Leyton Orient when their man was not available. They’d been given permission to approach me by West Ham. I turned it down, because I’m not an Orient supporter. I often went to watch them as a kid, but it’s not the same as being a fan.
The only other announcer’s job I’d consider would be England. I did have talks about being the England announcer when the new Wembley was being built, but they decided to go with the Manchester United announcer, who’d done a fine job when England played games at Old Trafford.
Maybe I’ll get the call up one day. I did the second half when England played Australia at the Boleyn Ground, because the former England announcer left early to go to his sister’s party. Australia were two nil up at half time. We won my half by a goal to nil and I announced the debut appearance of a young Wayne Rooney.
What is the strangest request that has ever been handed to you to announce?
I’ve had lots of wives go into labour during games. I don’t announce them as they are obviously wind-ups, especially as they usually happen during Sky games when people sitting at home can hear them.
I also have to look out for birthday messages for people with names like Mike Hunt or Hugh Janus.
Have you ever been in involved in a bet to slip in a particular word or song title. a few years ago working at Twickenham we managed to slip in the word Pengiun for a £50 bet.
Not as a stadium announcer, but we used to do it in football commentaries during my local radio days. I remember fitting the word ‘leg-over’ into a commentary and nearly losing it.
Real Madrid famously gave its employees and accredited press a branded fold away bike for a Christmas present a few years ago. What is a typical West Ham gift?
I’ve always wanted a Brompton folding bike, but no luck so far. For the first few years in the job, I was given a West Ham desk diary every Christmas. I don’t think I’ve had anything recently. You may not have heard, but we’ve been in a bit of financial trouble, so belts are being tightened and rightly so.
Being a consummate professional I assume that a pre-match beer is a complete no no?
Yes I never drink when I’m broadcasting, speaking or announcing. Afterwards I’ll have a cider or a vodka. I have a gluten intolerance so beer is out. As a member of the London media set, it’s expected that you have some sort of fashionable allergy, so I chose gluten.
You were born in East London so when did you first taste the matchday atmosphere at West Ham, and did you hear the announcer at the time and say “Dad, one day that will be me”?
I was born in Cambridgeshire and moved to Clayhall in East London when I was six. I was very shy as a kid, so I don’t think I would have dreamt of becoming the announcer.
What is the best part of your job? I assume the worst it picking off Sir Alex Ferguson’s chewing gum from your shoes after we’ve played Manchester United?
The best bit is announcing a West Ham goal. We’re all going nuts but I’m the only one of the thousands who’s got a microphone. I know when I announce the goalscorer, everyone will cheer. That’s a real buzz.
Do you go to away games, and if so do you sit with the hob nobs?
Because of the gluten intolerance I’m afraid hob nobs are out. Which is a shame as I really liked the chocolate ones.
Being an after dinner speaker and events host, I’m busy at weekends. As it is I pass on a lot of gigs to fellow speakers, because of West Ham home games. I mainly speak in the South East, so the away games I can usually fit in with an evening event are Arsenal, Tottenham, Fulham and Chelsea.
Last year you spoke with our good chums at WestHam Process. You made a couple of predictions I’d like to remind you of – “Savio was class” and West Ham would finish in the Europa League spots and maybe a club…Remind me never to ask for a Grand National prediction! So this season what are the expectations?
The Savio quote was, ‘I haven’t seen him much, but the word is, he’s going to be class’. The Europa League quote was, ‘can see us with a fully fit side again pushing for one of the Europa League spots’.
Clearly we had horrendous injury problems. Whoever said Savio was going to be class must have been meant he was still in a class, as he looked like a boy out of his depth to me.
When West Ham sign someone new, how do you get to know them? Does anyone introduce them to you?
I usually just go up to them and say hello.
A move to the new Olympic Stadium or a redeveloped Chicken Run?
I was married in 2006 at the Boleyn Ground, so it’s going to be a wrench to see it go, but it has to be the Olympic Stadium. I went on a tour round the site with a TV crew recently with Olympic triple-jump champion Jonathan Edwards. It’s hard not to be excited about it when you see it. The travel links are going to be brilliant. It will hold more spectators and it will give us the clout to take on Spurs and Arsenal.
When you worked for BBC Radio Nottingham, Brian Clough hit you. Ever been assaulted by any other famous people?
Cloughie is the only one to have punched me, but we had a laugh about it later and he’s still one of my heroes. I’ve had run-ins with Matthew Kelly, Christopher Lee, Gordon Strachan and a few others, but nothing physical.
Some people may not know that West Ham is only part of your working life. You also own a company that prepares people for life in the media spotlight. Any interesting names that you have trained and then seen them demonstrate the skills on TV?
I devised a system called Talking Toolbox, which teaches speaking skills for TV, radio and live audiences.
I coach people who are going to be interviewed on TV or radio and know want to come across well. I’ve coached a lot of people in public life. I don’t think they’d thank me if I revealed their names.
I also run training sessions on how to add humour to business presentations. This came about after years of listening to boring business speakers in my role as a business events compere. You can find out more about my training sessions at www.TalkingToolbox.com
I also wrote a book called MediaMasters which is interviews with 26 people in the public eye who I think are masters of the media. There’s a couple of Hammers in there, Phill Jupitus and Iain Dale.
I’m still doing TV reporting for East Midlands Today, Inside Out, BBC News Channel and various other outlets. My forte is the And Finally feature. It’s the bit at the end of the bulletin that sends you to bed smiling, forgetting the politics and murder at the start of the news.
My favourite reports are David Beckham’s head on a melon, the crossbow divorce couple and the Face of Elvis on a piece of Stilton cheese. You can see them all on my website www.jeremynicholas.co.uk
Jeremy Nicholas has been the West Ham United stadium announcer since 1998. During the season we will also be featuring the “Jeremy Nicholas Column on the blog – the thoughts and reactions from everything going on in football, and not just at Upton Park. You can read his blog about West Ham at www.MrMoonHasLeftTheStadium.blogspot.com as well as his regular column that will be featured on these very pages. Hats off to Jeremy!

The Jeremy Nicholas Matchday Column

2010-08-21T21:16:00.002+01:00

How I became the West Ham announcer.

I moved to East London from Cambridge when I was six. I think my parents may have done the driving, but I imagine I did most of the packing and dealing with estate agents.

Growing up in Clayhall it was a no-brainer that I should be a Hammer. There was a Spurs fan and a Chelsea fan on our street, but nobody really spoke to them.

When I was twelve we moved again, to sleepy Suffolk. By then I had claret and blue flowing in my veins, but took me a while to find my way back to London.

I studied in the beautiful university cities of Bradford and then Portsmouth, before my first job as a radio reporter in the fragrant coastal resort of Hull.

Bradford, Portsmouth and Hull? How I escaped without a tattoo is anybody’s guess. West Ham were having their best ever season in the top flight and I was miles away listening on the radio and occasionally watching on Ceefax.

I spent three years with the BBC in Nottingham, winning a New York Radio Academy Award for commentating at the Hillsborough disaster. It was the worst day of my life and we didn’t go and collect the award. It felt wrong when 96 people had died.

In 1990 I returned to London, to work on GLR, which is now called BBC London 94.9. I presented the breakfast show alongside the late, great Kevin Greening. I used to bang on about West Ham a lot. Little did I know someone at the club was listening and one day I would get the call.

I went freelance in 1994, and moved into television. It was inevitable. All good looking radio presenters eventually move into TV. I fronted shows for Talk TV and then the fledgling Channel 5. I anchored most of their sports shows for the first couple of years. In fact a colleague described me as the complete anchor, but I may have misheard.

In the early days the Channel 5 signal was a bit fuzzy. Once they sorted the transmission problems, someone noticed my hair was thinning at the back. Baldies didn’t score well in the focus groups. The schedulers were aiming for a young audience. I was replaced by Steve Scott who is slightly older than me, but much hairier.

I would return to TV in the noughties, but in the meantime I scuttled back to the GLR breakfast show, this time co-presenting with Claire McDonnell. I talked about West Ham a lot again. This time something happened.

In the summer of 1998 I received a phone call from Paul Aldridge, managing director at West Ham, asking if I wanted to be the new stadium announcer. Curiously I said no. I enjoyed letting off steam from my seat in the West Stand Upper. I wasn’t sure shouting at the players would be in the job description.

Paul asked me to come in for a chat. So I did, just to poke about behind the scenes if I’m honest.

After three days he asked again, and this time I said yes. I’d had a recurring dream the previous nights that Rio Ferdinand would head the winning goal in the World Cup Final at France 98. I dreamt I would announce him as a hero at the start of the new season, like Bobby Moore, Martin Peters and Geoff Hurst were greeted in 1966.

The trouble with dreams is their habit of fading and dying. Rio was an unused substitute at the World Cup. England were knocked out by Argentina in the second round. David Beckham was sent off for petulantly kicking out at Diego Simeone and quickly became public enemy number one.

When the fixtures came out for the new season, West Ham’s opener was away at Sheffield Wednesday, followed by David Beckham’s Manchester United at home.

I went to Hillsborough on the opening day, the first time I’d been back since the disaster. It was strange and I felt very emotional. I got through it because I was sitting next to curly haired pop star David Essex. His twin boys had the largest bag of pick and mix sweets you ever did see. Reluctantly at their father’s suggestion they even shared some with me.

Veteran striker Ian Wright scored on his league debut for us, and I found myself singing, ‘Ian Wright, Wright, Wright. Ian Wright, Wright, Wright’. With Wrighty a long time Gooner, it wasn’t a song I ever thought I would sing. Fortunately I discovered I knew all the words.

Driving back from Hillsborough I couldn’t wait for my debut at the Boleyn Ground the following week, announcing my team against Manchester United, David Beckham and all.

But we’ll save that for the next column.

Up the Irons

Jem

www.jeremynicholas.co.uk

(If you run a West Ham or general football website, feel free to copy and paste this article onto your site. All I ask is that you give me a link back to this Mr Moon site and also JeremyNicholas.co.uk Let me know and I'll give you a plug on my site. Best wishes Jem)

Bolton

2010-08-21T08:34:00.000+01:00

I'm setting off for the Bolton game now. I have that pre-match excitement that comes from not having a league game at home for a while. I've been up since six, for no reason at all.

If you are going, I'll see you there.

It's Kids for a Quid today, so there will be lots of youngsters in the crowd and the singing will be a bit higher pitched than normal. I like Kids for a Quid days. Your first ever West Ham game is always a special memory. I hope we can win to make it even more special for any young newbies today.

If you've come to Mr Moon looking for more my matchday programme column, I'll post it on here when I return. I think it's only fair that people who buy the programme at the game, get to read it first.

I'm usually home at about 8pm, so I'll post it up then, London traffic permitting.

Come on you Irons.

Jem

Speaking in Edinburgh

2010-08-20T16:14:00.001+01:00

I'm off to Edinburgh next week for the festival.

On Wednesday night I'll be giving a talk on how to keep an audience's attention using comedy. Forget jokes, I'm a big believer in telling true stories that have happened to you. It's called 'Putting the U in Humour' . It's a talk I've done many times to businesses and organisations, but this is one of the few times when members of the public are also welcome.

Regular readers of this blog will know this is the talk I gave in Johannesburg earlier in the year, where my trousers split open at the back as I plugged in my laptop at the edge of the stage, just before I was announced. I literally did get through the talk by the seat of my pants.

If you fancy coming along on Wednesday it's at the Apex European Hotel, Haymarket Terrace, Edinburgh. Tickets are twenty pounds and that includes a networking supper.

More details are here

Lots of news

2010-08-19T18:26:00.007+01:00

The good news is my column is back in the West Ham United matchday programme this season, after a five year absence. The bad news is it will only be five times a season. Originally it was going to be every programme, but there isn't room for it. The first one will be in the Bolton programme on Saturday.

As I've planned out twenty columns for each home game, I'm going to write them anyway and post them on Mr Moon. If you'd like to feature my column on your West Ham or football related site, give me a shout and I'll send it over. It's free, but a link back to my site would be appreciated.

It's been confirmed by the guys in Vancouver that I'm the voice of the stadium announcer on the EA Sports game FIFA 11, which comes out soon. I've been the voice on the previous five games, so it's good to get the nod again. I haven't done any new announcements for this game, but all the old favourites should be on there, including Mr Moon's arrival and departure.

I've written the foreword for the new edition of An Irrational Hatred of Luton by Robert Banks. It's one of the best books about West Ham. It's being republished by Iain Dale of West Ham Till I Die fame, who also has his own publishing company. Tony Cotte did the foreword for the original version that came out in the nineties, so I was honoured to be asked.

My Mum and Dad celebrated their golden wedding anniversary at the weekend. It's great to see them still looking so happy together after all these years. We all went home for a lovely meal.

I hope Jeanette and I are as happy in fifty years time. We've a lot of catching up to do, as it's less than four years since we tied the knot at the Boleyn Ground on November 11th 2006. Are you impressed that I can remember my anniversary? It's not hard, it's Remembrance Day! I also have the visual clue of people wearing poppies to remind me when it's approaching.

Today was very tense as we waited for the A level results to come out. My clever nephew Julian has passed with four grade A's and he's off to read medicine at Nottingham. He's a top lad and his girlfriend Codie got her grades too and she's going to study midwifery.

I interviewed Rebecca Adlington this week for TV after her gold medal triumph at the European Swimming Championships. She told me she suffers really badly with nerves before big races. The butterflies got to the double Olympic freestyle champion so much that she messed up the 800 metres and finished seventh. So it was great to see her comeback with such determination to clinch the gold in the 400. Becky is a model professional and a really likeable person too.

It always makes me laugh when they say British Swimming is powered by British Gas, who are their main sponsors. I always imagine they have a little gas powered engine operating under the water. Mind you, they'd get caught out if they tried that. Have you seen the underwater cameras they are using now to cover swimming? They are brilliant and give you a great view of what's going on. But I wouldn't want to be the cameraman who gets that job.

Jeremy Nicholas London, UK 19th August 2010

Getting the elbow

2010-08-11T16:37:00.002+01:00

Here's something I started writing last year, when I was ill, after contracting an infection in an elbow wound in France. I didn't finish the article, as I was feeling groggy. Besides I didn't have a blog back then. In fact heaven knows why I was writing, when I should have been tucked up on the sofa with some grapes and a box set of Stargate Atlantis.

Anyway I found it today, while hunting out some photographs on my back up drive. So I thought I'd finish it. Here it is. Just a word of warning, I was feeling dreadful when I wrote it. I don't know if you'll detect the point where the old writing ends and the new writing starts, but it's round about the time I start talking about new batteries for the remote.

...................................................................................

GETTING THE ELBOW

On July 5^th I slept in my home bed a happy man. It was a Sunday night and we were just back from four days in Paris. We’d walked and walked around the French capital. The weather had been lovely and I was feeling as fit as a fiddle and pleasantly tired out.

That first night back in London I woke up and my elbow was sore.

By the morning it was pink and swollen and it hurt to touch.

I’d had a scab on it for a week or so and it had been knocked off a couple of times, but apart from that there was nothing to indicate anything was wrong.

Monday and Tuesday the elbow was getting bigger. On Wednesday I was speaking at an event in Hemel Hempstead and the drive was a struggle. I was only due to speak for half an hour and by the end of it I was drenched in sweat. The feedback for the talk was great, so I don’t think it affected my performance, but they must have thought I was a bit of a nervous character. If you’ve ever seen Lee Evans the comedian onstage, you’ll have an idea of how much I was sweating. Lee always carries a towel with him. I didn’t think a sopping towel would convey the message I was trying to put across about dealing effectively with the media. Especially the section on how to cope with nerves during live TV appearances!

I struggled back to London feeling hot and groggy.

Still I didn’t go to the doctors. I should have done, I know. My wife and my mum keep telling me I should have done and they are both usually right. In my defence, I did run it past my Dad, who’s a retired pharmacist. Like me he thought it would sort itself out. No-one ever died of a hot elbow, did they?

On Thursday I walked into Richmond for a meeting with Kimberly, the American from the last series of The Apprentice, who was given a tough time by Sir Alan because he doesn’t like marketing people. Midway through my second cup of ‘Indian Breakfast’ at the Tea Box tea shop, I was burning up, with the elbow the epicentre of the volcano. I’m not sure if volcanoes have epicentres, but my elbow was boiling. Fortunately I’d some freeze gel in my bag which I’d been given at a sports event I’d compered.

The freeze gel did the business. Kimberly pretended not to be alarmed by the eccentric Englishman and I staggered the thirty minutes home.

That evening we settled down for a Frasier marathon on TV. After two episodes I jumped up to go to the loo and had an episode of my own. The symptoms were just what I expect a heart attack is like. There was chest pain, stabbing pain in the heart area, numbness on the left side of the face, and pins and needles all down the left arm.

I’m no medical man. I opted out of biology at school as soon as I could to avoid the obligatory frog autopsy. Most of my body knowledge comes from pub quizzes and hospital dramas, but I know pain on the left side is not a good sign.

Sure enough on arrival at casualty I was rushed to the front of the queue and was wired up to an electrocardiogram machine.

The casualty doctor was so young he could have been my son. He drew a circle on my arm in biro. It was about the size of a grapefruit and showed the outer limit of the swollen pink blob where my elbow used to be.

No son of mine would be allowed to draw on people, unless they knew them really well, but at least he was taking an interest in the elbow. The ECG nurse and the first female doctor who examined me, thought the elbow inflammation was likely to be a coincidence. My symptoms had heart attack written all over them apparently.

The most senior doctor then arrived and they did more ECG tests and checked my blood pressure and decided I should stay the night.

After a chat, the three doctors decided there was a one third chance I’d had a heart attack and a two thirds chance of it being a blood clot on the lungs. It was like being on Britain’s Got Talent. The three judges voted and the blood clot was the winner. I accepted the prize on behalf of the clot. It was an injection into the stomach of something a bit like rat poison that would thin my blood and stop the clot doing anything reckless in the night.

I asked if all this could have been caused by my elbow inflammation, but it appears no-one took the elbow seriously. The elbow was the Stavros Flatley of the talent show. It was certainly eye-catching but it wasn’t a contender.

My wife popped home to fetch some overnight things for me and I was wheeled feet first into a lift. I was taken to a ward for people they need to keep a close eye on. The lights were never switched off. A drip was inserted into the back of my hand and people came to look at me at regular intervals. I assume they were medical staff but they could have been tourists for all I knew. I wasn’t thinking very clearly by then. I felt dreadful about all the worry I was putting my wife through. At the back of my mind I was also a bit worried about dying. Why hadn’t I gone to the doctors earlier? It takes ages to get an appointment unless you tell them it’s an emergency. I didn’t think it was an emergency until now.

A nurse asked me what I wanted for breakfast. I couldn’t really think about food but it was a good sign. At least they expected me to make it through the night.

Morning seemed a long way off. I lay awake just staring at a clock. I’ve never known a night last so long. I couldn’t sleep a wink with the lights on. I was probably a bit stressed and besides, one old gentleman in the corner snored very loudly.

I must have slept a bit because I suddenly noticed the snoring had stopped. I looked in the corner. The old gentleman was gone. I hope he didn’t die, but at least it was quiet now.

After a whole load of tests they ruled out the blood clot and the heart attack theories. Eventually they decided it was probably something to do with that funny looking elbow. I would have pointed out that I’d been saying that for a while, but I was too weak to argue.

The good news was that I wasn’t dead and even better I was allowed to go home.

I didn’t speak for the next twelve weeks.

When I say I didn’t speak, I mean I didn’t do any paid talks. I obviously spoke to friends and family, mainly to ask for drinks of water and new batteries for the TV remote. I cancelled all BBC work.

Having only regained my job as the West Ham announcer earlier in the year, I was reluctant to start the new season on the bench, so I decided to struggle through. During the pre-season friendly I alerted a couple of key people that I was under the weather and to keep an eye on me. Twice during the game I thought I was going to faint, but I didn’t. Fortunately I sit in the same row of the dugout as the two club doctors. I figured they’d reboot me if I crashed.

I gradually returned to the BBC and the speaking jobs, but it set me back a long way. Financially it knocked an enormous hole in my bank balance. You don’t get paid when you are a freelance and unable to work.

I couldn’t play golf or tennis for months and piled the weight on.

No-one to this day can tell me what the whole elbow thing was all about, but after five courses of three different sorts of antibiotics it hasn’t come back. If it does, I’m straight down the doctors. I’m scared of dying, and I’m even more scared of my mum and my wife.

Jeremy Nicholas – started in a delirious state sometime in 2009 and finished on August 11^th 2010

The Bakewell Show

2010-08-10T13:00:00.002+01:00

Here's some pictures of Thursday's BBC East Midlands Today roadshow at the Bakewell Show in Derbyshire. I smiled a lot at people and if they looked short sighted, I signed photos that weren't of me.

Viewers had a chance to read the news. The vicar of Bakewell was a star at doing the weather in front of the green screen.

Everyone had their picture taken with our quirky weather presenter Des Coleman. You may remember him as Lenny in Eastenders. He's now a cult hero in the East Midlands for his larger than life, hand waving forecasts. I love Des, he certainly has something. I'm not sure what, and I'm not sure if there is a cure for it.

The Milky Bar kid (above right) is looking well.

Special thanks go to weekend presenter Maurice Flynn who made me a gluten free Bakewell tart. I do love a tart. Most gluten free recipes are a bit dry, but Maurice had done a fine job. Look at my colleagues' faces as they tucked in.

Jeremy Nicholas, London August 10th 2010

(At the Leicester roadshow earlier in the week, viewers asked an extraordinary number of questions)

To book Jeremy as an after dinner speaker click here

Deportivo

2010-08-09T08:08:00.003+01:00

So we're up and running again. It was great to be at the Boleyn for the pre-season friendly against Deportivo La Coruna for the SBOBet Cup. Even better to win it on penalties.Avram Grant has won silverware in his first home game.

It was a hot day. I could have done without wearing the tie to be honest.

Outside the ground beforehand, everyone was smiling. I think there's a sense of optimism about the new season, the new manager, the new kit and a new beginning. I nearly said 'a new hope' but that's a Star Wars film..

I thought I better take a few pics to spice up the blog. I snapped a few of the ground, which I'll be dropping in over the next few weeks. Andrew the 'Over Land And Sea' fanzine seller took the top picture of me outside the ground, so it only seemed right that I returned the favour and took one of him. Nice 'Only Fools' tee shirt mate.

Football chairmen often need security for their own protection when they arrive at grounds.
Our David Gold is a bit different, he's worn the claret and blue and he's popular with fans. He needs the security escort otherwise he'd never get through the crowd of autograph hunters. He did sign plenty though.

In the tunnel pre-match club photographer Steve Bacon was snapping the mascots.

Meanwhile the other mascots, the furry ones, seem to have spent the summer hiding in the shower. I share a changing room with Bubbles and Herbie. It always makes me laugh when I arrive to see their heads sitting patiently waiting for the human inhabitants to arrive.And always smiling.

I did my best to pronounce the Spanish names as I read out the team sheets. I didn't want to 'go native' as there's a danger of sounding like an Italian with a lisp. I wrote them out phonetically after consulatation with a member of the Deportivo coaching staff and then did my best, using the English abroad approach of loud and confident.

As it wasn't a premier league game there was no TV coverage to worry about, so the ref wasn't waiting for a floor manager to give him the nod to 'walk' the players. That makes it so much easier to coordinate the playing of 'bubbles' so it reaches a crescendo as the teams emerge from the tunnel.

Avram Grant was given a great ovation for his first home game. The new players were all warmly applauded before the game and as they came on as subs. When the Sir Trevor Lower fans sang 'Avram, Avram, give us a wave', he did and was cheered. That's was an important moment for me and a promising sign for the season. Gianfranco Zola would never respond to chants for waves. It was because he was 'in the zone', but it's important to acknowledge your own supporters.

The match itself certainly wasn't a cracker, but the penalty shoot out was. All of our penalties were scored with certainty and Robert Green made a great save. If you are looking for further comment on the match itself, you'll need to look elsewhere on the web. That's not the aim of my blog and it would clearly be a conflict of interest with my role as MC Hammer.

From the announcer's point of view, the match was notable because there wasn't any time added on in either half. After announcing five Deportivo subs and three for us, I thought there might be a few added minutes in the second half, but no. I asked the fourth official if he was sure. He smiled. I cheekily asked him if it was his first ever game in charge. He smiled again and said he couldn't remember any subs. I smiled, in case he booked me.

My favourite sub for Deportivo, was Riki, who I announced as Bianca's favourite.If you can't chuck in an Eastenders gag in a pre-season friendly, when can you?

As each Spanish sub pulled on their shirts, I noticed they were all wearing heart rate monitors. It seemed strange, but it's OK in a friendly, as long as you have the ref's permission.

On the way home I notice someone had put an England flag on the World Cup Heroes statue.

My journey home was slow. My regular short cut through the Isle of Dogs was scuppered by road closures for a triathlon the next day. I listened to 5 Live and cheered on Derby County as they beat Leeds at Elland Road. Nigel Clough had stopped the Derby bus short of the ground before the game and his players had walked the last few hundred yards through the Leeds supporters. It was an echo of Don Revie's actions when he took his Leeds team to the old Baseball Ground to play a Derby team managed by Nigel's dad Brian. It was a scene I'd watched on TV a few weeks before in the film 'The Damned United'. It seemed to work. Having braved the fans outside, the fans in the ground held no fear for the Derby players.

606, the football phone in followed the match. What a joy, no Alan Green or Spoony, it was presented by Mark Chapman, who is always entertaining. I hope he's got the gig for the season. Better still Derby captain Robbie Savage finished the match and then joined Chappers to co-present the show.I've never known that before.

Robbie is carving out quite a career as a media pundit. Of course he loves the sound of his own voice, but he is a good listen. He could do very well. There's not many footballers who come across as well. I've regularly interviewed him at Leicester and Derby when I've been working for BBC East Midlands Today. He's as charming in real life as he is irritating on the pitch.

So Robbie and Chappers accompanied me all the way home. On arrival I found the house full of children's clothes hanging out to dry. My wife had met a Nigerian family in Twickenham Tesco. They were on holiday and staying in the hotel at the rugby ground. They asked my wife for directions to a launderette. Instead she had brought them home and done the washing for them. Slightly strange if you ask me, but that's why I married her. She's a lovely woman. And she does the washing.

Jeremy Nicholas, London 9th August 2010

(As they say on Amazon. If you liked that, you might also enjoy reading this:
The Day Brian Clough Punched Me by Jeremy Nicholas)

International call up

2010-08-04T13:11:00.005+01:00

I've received my international call up. I'll be the stadium announcer at Italy v Ivory Coast on Tuesday night at the Boleyn Ground.

Now I just need to find a copy of the Ivory Coast national anthem on CD and brush up on my pronunciations.

Tickets are available for the game here

Meeting the viewers

2010-08-02T20:22:00.005+01:00

I've spent the day meeting the public in the centre of Leicester.

I pulled on a large red BBC East Midlands Today tee shirt and an even larger smile and joined up with my colleagues to meet real people. That may not sound scary to you, but trust me it is.

In general I really enjoy meeting them. Most of them are lovely, but it's the questions they ask. Because you are on TV people feel as if they know you, and can ask you anything.

Here's some questions I was asked today, along with my answers. The bits in brackets I only said in my head. And the very last Q and A sequence only happened in my head in the car on the way home.

But these first ones are all real:

Q. What's your golf handicap?
A. Eighteen
Q. How many golf balls have you got?
A. Eighteen. (if in doubt I always say eighteen)

Q. Can I knit you a scarf?
A. No I don't really wear scarves. (a lie obviously, but I was worried they would come round my house for fittings)

Q. Why aren't there any pictures of you?
A. Well the postcards are really only for the big name presenters.

Q. Where do you live?
A. London
Q. Where exactly?
A. I'd rather not give my full address.(in case you come round)

Q. Do you have any signed photos of Lucy Kite?
A. Sorry no.
Q. Why not?
A. Because she's on ITV, We are the BBC, look it says here on my tee shirt.
Q. I never watch ITV
A. Oh OK. (but I think you do)

Q. Do you have any photos of Penny Smith?
A. No, she used to work on ITV too but she doesn't any more. Have you read my tee shirt by the way?

Q. Are there any pictures of you?
A. I'm sorry no. Can I sign this information leaflet about the programme for you?
Q. Go on then. Who are you by the way?

Q. Why isn't Sara Blizzard here?
A. Well somebody has to stay back in the studio to present the programme. (Ms Blizzard is our appropriately named weather presenter!)

Q. Can I have a key ring?
A. No sorry we don't have any.
Q. Why not?
A. We've got presenter photos, notepads, pens and if you go round the corner you can try your hand at reading the news and weather.
Q. Do you have a key ring?
A. Yes
Q. Can I have that?
A. No
Q. Why not?
A. Because it has my car keys on it.

Q. Have I seen you on the television?
A. I don't know, you might have done, I do the sport and the funny And Finally reports.
Q. What have I seen you doing?
A. Well only you would really know. We can't see out of the screen to see who's watching.
Q. I know I've seen you on TV. What was it?
A. I don't know. (I refer the honourable gentleman to the answer I gave a short time ago)

Q. Why aren't there any picture postcards of you?
A. Well what happened was, there was lots of them, but we had a rush of young women who snapped them all up early, so we've only got pictures of the ugly presenters left.
Q. What a shame, I really wanted a picture of you. Will you sign this leaflet for me?
A. Of course what's your name?
Q. David

I'm doing the BBC East Midlands Today roadshow again on Thursday when we are at the Bakewell Show in Derbyshire. Bakewell is famous for it's tarts, so I'm looking forward to it.

Come and say hello if you are there. I'll be the one in the large red BBC tee shirt with the large red smile and the slightly scared look in my eye.

Jeremy Nicholas 2nd August 2010 Beeston, near Nottingham. (While Nat and Wayne are watching Corrie.)

Woolley Edge Services

2010-07-30T16:38:00.005+01:00

Services? Services? They wouldn't know the meaning of the word service if it bit them on the arse. Moto services you are a disgrace. I will never, ever use you again. I would rather run out of petrol on the side of the motorway or wet my pants, than go into any of your service stations ever again.

I've just had an £80 parking fine from Woolley Edge services northbound on the M1 just south of Leeds. Even though I was sat in the car!! How can you be given a parking fine if you are sat in the car? That's not parked is it? That's sitting, drinking coffee and using the services. The Moto muppets need to have a good look at themselves if this is how they are going to treat motorists. I don't think Moto would do much business if it wasn't for motorists. I don't fully understand their business, but I think from a layman's point of view it pretty much relies on people with cars. So it's probably not a good idea to piss them off. Particularly not motorists with widely read blogs that are incensed with their attitute and keep saying Moto and crap services in the same sentence.

Right. Calm down Jeremy. Breathe and tell the readers what happened.

I was on my way to speak at an event in Leeds and pulled in for a wee, a coffee and a use of their free wireless. They have photographic evidence apparently of my car parked there for three hours. Their cameras clearly haven't noted that I'm sat in the car, making full use of my steering wheel mounted portable desk. I'm actually shuffling the slides on my powerpoint presentation and adding a few topical ones.

I speak a lot at events. I talk about how to create a good impression and generate publicity to audiences of business professionals. I also show how bad publicity can be disastrous. Like many in the media training game I quote the famous Ratners example. However I think Gerald is going to be getting a break for a while, as Moto will be headlining the rest of my talks for this year.

You were prepared to take my money for the Costa coffee. You were prepared to accept my urine sample too. But now you are really taking the piss.
Eighty pounds fine for someone who is sat in his car. That's madness.

I see why you don't want people to use your facility as a car park, but I think if they are sat in their car, they are not parked. Your photographic evidence does not take this into account.

At least highway robbers like Dick Turpin had the decency to wear a mask.

Jeremy Nicholas, London, UK

An Irrational Hatred of Luton

2010-07-30T14:20:00.003+01:00

I've just been asked to write the foreword for a new edition of 'An Irrational Hatred of Luton' .

It's the story of being a West Ham fan in the eighties by Robert Banks. I read it years ago. I'm off to find my old copy, to see what I can think of to say about it.

Funnily enough I was asked to do an after dinner talk at the Luton Town end of season do a few weeks back. A few hours later they called back to say someone else in the office had already booked the speaker. So I missed out on that top gig.

A new job

2010-07-30T14:11:00.000+01:00

I’m delighted to announce that I’ve been asked to be the new presenter of the Professional Speakers Association podcast.

I’ve been a contributor to the podcast for a while now, so it’s great to get the gig. I’m taking over from Rod Sloane, who has been named the new President of the London Chapter of the PSA.

Back Home

2010-07-24T14:38:00.004+01:00

It's good to be back in the land of the long vowel sounds. I've just spent the week on the road oop north where baths and paths are much shorter than I'm used to.

On Tuesday I was in Nottingham reporting on the British Open Wheelchair tennis for BBC TV.It's just the same as abled bodied tennis, except the ball is allowed to bounce twice, and there's not as much arguing.

I stayed the night with Natalie and Wayne, my regular East Midlands hosts, who are lovely people even if they do make me watch Coronation Street.

Never mind marmalade cats on rooftops, on Wednesday I was off to the real north. I spent a lot of the morning at Woolley Back services on the M1., That might not be it's exact name and the term services can only be loosely applied in this case. . It's free broadband was intermittent and I spent a long time putting the finishing touches to my powerpoint slides for my talk that night. I was speaking at the Holiday Inn at Garforth, just north of dirty Leeds. Oh the glamour.

The speaking world is split down the middle on the issue of powerpoint slides in keynote talks. The purists don't like them. I do like them.I like them very much indeed.
I have terrible trouble remembering my talks. I know the general outline but I often find myself going down comedy cul de sacs and can't find my way back to the main road. If the audience think you don't know where you are heading and suspect you don't either, it can be a problem. I use powerpoint as a sort of sat nav. When I deviate off the route for comedy purposes, a click on the clicker, my next slide appears and I'm back on track.

Most of my slides are photographs that I have taken myself. I think they add to my stories. The traditional speakers might be turning in their graves at that, especially those that aren't fully dead yet. But, in a world where attention span is.....sorry what was I saying, oh yes, attention span is shortening all the time, I think slides are great. In our interactive world, a man talking on stage on his own, needs to be very good to hold the attention. I am good, often I'm very good, but the photos add value and make me better. In my view.
And of course they keep me from repetition, deviation, hesitation and repetition.

Obviously I don't use slides when I'm doing my after dinner talks. When I roll up at a golf club and they are tucking into chicken in a basket, it would seem a bit rum if I suddenly powered up a projector and rolled out a screen. Thinking about it they probably wouldn't mind as long as I had my shirt tucked in.

With my powerpoint slides in order, I set off for Snaith to spend my afternoon with Phil, my old mate from journalism college. He's something important at the BBC in Leeds. It's twenty four years since we left college, but it was just like the old days straightaway. Except we talked about diabetes, baldness and second properties instead of acne, exam stress and demo tapes.

If ever a man should take up after dinner speaking it's Phil. He's a natural storyteller. So I dragged him along to see me in action at the Holiday Inn that night. He wasn't that keen, as he had to be up at four thirty, as he's currently revamping Radio York's breakfast show, but the promise of a free ticket was too much for a Yorkshireman to resist.

People had come from as far afield as Sunderland and Cumbria for the talk. I did my best to be entertaining. Especially as a few people revealed they'd seen the talk before, but enjoyed it so much, they thought they'd come again. I put in a few topical bits, so it didn't seem too much like the previous talk, and again my old friend Dr Powerpoint ensured I found my way back to the main road, without too much trouble.

The next morning waking up in Snaith, Phil was long gone, to make sure the good people of York were woken by a quality breakfast show before heading off for work at the chocolate factories.

I had breakfast with Phil's wife Vicky. I studied with Phil and worked with Vicky in my first ever job as a reporter at Viking Radio in Hull. I'd introduced them on a holiday in Ibiza in 1987. They've been together ever since.Vicky now works as a correspondent at Look North. They have three lovely girls. Daisy who's about to go to big school. Flora who's home from university and was worried about going for a filling a the dentist. And Isobel who was on holiday somewhere in Europe, so I stayed in her attic room up the steepest ladder you ever climbed.

The other member of the family is a Scottish terrier, possibly called Bonny. I don't have much interest in dogs, so I can't remember. Bonny or whatever, was very yappy, as she was being kept in the kitchen. She was in season. Little did she know that today she was off to be serviced by a boy Scottish terrier, who was to be paid the princely sum of three hundred pounds. He probably didn't keep the money himself though. Apparently Scottish terrier puppies sell for five hundred pounds, so it was a good investment. A good seed to plant, so to speak.

This sort of thing happens all the time, so they tell me. The internet is full of personal ads for puppy love. Girl dog seeks boy dog, must have GSOH.

I left Snaith on Thursday morning for an early start in Bradford. It was the first proper meeting of my speakers mastermind group. Chatham House rules dictate that I can't tell you what went on. It was very good though. A mastermind group is an informal group of people who are typically at the same stage of their careers in a common profession. The idea is to help each other by sharing knowledge and experiences. It's a bit like the masons without the funny handshake.

As the former BBC royal correspondent Jennie Bond used to say, 'but what I can tell you is this...'

The members present were John, Geoff, Jem, Rod and Andy. The sixth member Ayd couldn't make it as he was actually speaking for money that day, which was a shame and a surprise.

On Thursday night I headed back to Nottingham for the night with Wayne and Natalie. They are moving house soon, so I won't be able to stay with them for a while, which is very selfish of them.

Friday was a lovely day to be outside. I was stuck inside though planning next week's outside broadcast from Loughborough. Tuesday marks two years till the start of the London Olympics, so we're doing a special from Loughborough, home to the GB and Japan teams. The main talk at the BBC is about the changes to the pension scheme. Everyone is very unhappy about it. As a freelance it doesn't affect me, but there's talk of strikes.

Back in London today, it's good to be home. The planes are a bit noisy. Little Miss Afrikaner isn't happy because the Springboks lost again. And our Potterton boiler is on the blink. What does it mean when the green light keeps blinking and the boiler fires up all the time?

But it's good to be back home.

In other news, West Ham have won again on their pre-season tour. The new home shirt has blue arms again. Hurrah. Last season's had far too much claret for my liking. Like the song says, 'we are those b*****ds in claret and blue'. Not just claret.

Jonathan Ross has finally left the BBC. I missed him on the TV last night and I missed him again on the radio this morning when Patrick Kielty turned up as I was having my shower. I think JR's a huge talent and his shoes will be hard to fill.

Keith Chegwin has made the news, after being accused of retweeting other people's jokes and claiming them as his own. I think it was obvious they weren't his, as some of them were funny.

And on that bombshell, as Alan Partridge used to say, I better pack up writing and go and sweep the garden.

Jeremy Nicholas - 24th July 2010

To book Jem as a speaker click here

Vuvuzelas Banned at the Boleyn

2010-07-20T17:29:00.001+01:00

For me the World Cup was ruined by that constant irritating whining noise. But it's ITV's fault for hiring Adrian Chiles in the first place.

I was also annoyed by those damned vuvuzelas.

Today the club has announced that along with some other teams it is banning the African plastic horn from our ground next season. It seems I may be one of the few people who can claim they've been to a game with the horn.

In between the last two games of the season I snuck over to South Africa for a quick holiday between speaking engagements in Johannesburg and Cape Town. I'd always promised my South African wife that we'd go over in 2010. I think she imagined it would be during the World Cup, but this way the hotel and car hire were much cheaper.

We bought a vuvuzela at Cape Town airport on the way home, just to cheer up the neighbours back in England, in case they'd missed us. For some reason I thought it would be a good idea to take it along to the Boleyn for the last game of the season against Manchester City. I must have been a bit jetlagged, because it was a mad idea. I didn't even get to blow my own trumpet. A steward warned me that if I did, he would shove it where the sun doesn't shine. As there was no mention of any lubricant, I left it in my bag, taking it out only briefly before and after the game to mime for photographs.

Litte Miss Afrikaner, also had a go outside, as technically speaking it is her vuvuzela.

Although the crowd at the ground never got to hear the horn in action, our neighbours did. We'd already 'lowered' the tone, by being the only house in the street to have an England flag on the balcony, alongside a South African one of course. The neighbours were delighted to hear the vuvuzela blown at the start of every England and South Africa game.

It was also agreed we would blow it every time a West Ham or England or South African player scored in the tournament, unless it was against England or South Africa, or it was Jermaine Defoe. So that didn't add many decibels to the neighbourhood and we then agreed that Carlos Tevez still counted as a Hammer.

Then we were blowing everytime Ghana scored, as my wife rooted for anything African.

By the final we were blowing it for Howard Webb and Nelson Mandela. And once by mistake for Morgan Freeman.

I'm glad we won't be hearing the vuvuzelas at the Boleyn Ground this season. While FIFA decided not to ban them at the World Cup because they wanted to give the tournament an African feel, they did spoil it.

The constant drone of the vuvuzela bore no relation to what was happening on the pitch. It took away all the excitement of the crowd level rising as one team neared the opposition's goal. It messed up any chance of team's singing their own songs. On a few rare occasions it was great to hear the England fans sing our anthems above the relentless buzz, but the vuvuzelas usually won out in the end.

We need real noise and not plastic sounds. I hope all clubs will ban them.

Feel free to use this article on your website, but please post a link back to my site - Many thanks - Jeremy Nicholas, London, UK.

Why wasn't I at Tony Carr's testimonial?

2010-07-19T12:18:00.000+01:00

I've had a few people ask why I wasn't the announcer at Tony Carr's testimonial game at West Ham in the last week of the season. I would have loved to have done it. All true West Ham fans know how much Tony has done for the club. I've often described him as the most important man at the club.

The truth is, I wasn't available for selection on the night. I had a long standing engagement in the southern hemisphere that was in the diary before the date of the testimonial was announced.

I'd been invited to give a keynote speech on humour to an international audience in South Africa. I waited to see if I could fit it in with West Ham's fixtures and when it did, I agreed.

As often happens with these things, in the next few weeks, the testimonial match and the West Ham gala dinner dates were announced and I would have to miss both of them. But in the world of professional speaking, your word is your bond. If you gain a reputation for pulling out of events, you will not be booked in future.

So while Moose from TalkSport stood in as the announcer at the testimonial at the Boleyn , I was a long way south and showing rather more than I planned to a delighted audience.

I was in Johannesburg at the Professional Speakers Association of Southern Africa's international convention. It was held at the very swanky Emperors Palace, so swanky it doesn't have an apostrophe. I was honoured to be the only European to be asked to speak on the main stage at the three day event, but there was a big surprise in store for me. A real ripper.
Maybe I'm getting a little too big for my boots, with lots of positive feedback recently, but as I took to the stage, I realised I'd got a little too big for my pants. As the previous speaker left the stage, I bent down to connect my laptop to the projector and felt the seat of my trousers tear open.

At that point the MC introduced me and I ran onto the stage with my trousers flapping open at the back. (see pic below, taken afterwards in my hotel room)

I decided to come clean and tell the audience what had happened, but of course they didn't believe me. I was there to give a talk called Putting the 'U' in Humour, about using comedy to brighten up your speeches, so of course they all thought it was part of the act. I think some of them still do.

It took me a few minutes to regain my composure. If I seemed a little two dimensional, it was because I wanted to stay front on to the crowd of one hundred odd professional speakers. Some of them very odd. In the end I just turned round, showed them my pants, took the humiliation and moved on. At least it was an icebreaker and I received some lovely comments. Some were about my speech, but mostly of course about my pants.

The event was brilliantly organised by Michael Manley and Andy Brough, seen with me below. I've still got that slightly wild look in my eye, even though I've now changed into my dinner suit.

The previous night I was invited to dinner by my good friend Paul Du Toit along with Gustav Gouss, the President of the PSASA and many other former presidents and global presidents and some soon to be presidents. I seemed to the only one who had never stood for presidential office. I do have the box set of The West Wing, so maybe that's why I was allowed in. (I would kill for a re-elect President Bartlett bumper sticker)
There's always someone at these events who decides to go native. On this occasion it was NSA President Phil Van Hooser. It's not everyone who can keep their dignity in that sort of African headgear, but I think Phil pulls it off.

I'm always amazed at how friendly speakers are. My background is in the broadcasting world, where it's dog eat dog. The speaking world is very different, with everyone offering tips to each other and being very supportive.
At the gala dinner I sat next to Craig Ferreira who speaks about great white sharks. A few days later I found myself a guest at his home in Cape Town, enjoying a lovely meal with his family.

Gary Bailey is South Africa's equivalent of Gary Lineker. He fronts the football on the SuperSport channel. UK football fans will remember him as the white haired South African who played in goal for Manchester United in the eighties and won some England caps before injury ended his career early. He went back to SA and played for the Kaizer Chiefs, the team not the band and then moved into TV
.
He now does a lot of professional speaking, and does a great job in promoting the benefits of the World Cup to the people of South Africa and the world. He was inducted into the speakers hall of fame at the event, along with Archbishop Desmond Tutu.

I loved the South Africa event. I saw some brilliant speakers like Steff Du Plessis, Billy Selekane and Anton van der Post. Paul Du Toit made the compering look easy with his relaxed yet authoritative style.
I've been invited to speak at various events as a result of my trip and I hope to get back to South Africa later in the year to fulfill some of those.

To book Jeremy Nicholas as a keynote speaker or compere/MC at your event please click here

Live Ayd

2010-07-15T11:46:00.005+01:00

It was a funny business about that octopus picking the right results at the World Cup, wasn't it?

My mate Ayd Instone is a fellow speaker, who also spices up events with topical songs. He's in my speakers mastermind group, so I try and help his flagging career as much as I can. If he didn't spend so much time producing children he'd perhaps get on better, but that's by the by.

Here's his song and home made video about the octopus. I was the pronuncation consultant on 'vuvuzela', what with my South Africa links and all.

The Psychic Octopus song

And if you want to book the fellow to speak at your event, and he is mildly amusing, then click here

(assuming I'm not available of course)